Part III; CLEAN? Are You KIDDING???

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Apr. 1

Just when you thought the place was all cleaned up and I was going to reform.... well, HA!! No way!! I think I am kinda liking it this way. After all, it would appear that I have a maid service that will come clean for me while I am out. Well, we'll see who tires of THIS game first!!

In an effort to regain control of my home, environment and peace of mind, I told everyone that I was going up to the mountain to play in snow, but actually, I stayed here. I wanted to see who was going to come over and 'lend a helping hand'... Hmmnn... There are co-conspirators involved now, I am sure!! This could be bigger than the Grassy Knoll or where Jimmy Hoffa's body is... WHO CLEANED MY HOUSE???

Apr. 2

I think I may actually have to clean my car out soon. I am going to have to put something in there that is sort of bulky, and at this point there is barely room for Steph and I. I am consoled by the fact that at least I will locate my roll of duct tape again... that almost makes it worthwhile. It was another sunny day today and the glare on the dirt and dead bugs was almost too unbearable. Since my wipers don't really work (let's face it, they have been scraping over dead bugs, ice and what-have-you all winter) the wiper fluid was not cutting it in the cleaning department. So, as I am bored, stuck in traffic (heading west into the setting sun) and barely able to see the car in front of me stopping again, I got an idea. I know that somewhere in the back seat (most likely at the bottom of the pile) is a spray bottle of Windex. Since traffic was not moving, I felt around. Sure enough!! I pulled up the emergency brake and got out of the car and sprayed the windshield, much to the chagrin of my fellow commuters. Hey! It worked!! I don't even notice the rest of the car, it seems so clean looking through the windshield!

I guess the elation had to end at some point though. My mom called me from NY moments after I got home with the 'good news'...she is planning on moving out here!! There's a good side and a bad side to this. The good side is, well, Mom will be here. The bad side is that once it is only a local call, she will know how much time I spend on-line... YIKES!!!! At least the homestead is *clean*...

Apr. 3

It seems to me that I am not just paranoid, someone with one of my keys is reading my page! There are coincidences, and there are coincidences, but this is no coincidence... 2 days after mentioning this on my page, I come home from an interesting day at work (Hey! Someone's gotta pay the phone and electric around here!! Sadly, access is not free) and kick off my shoes. I walk into my kitchen and Lo!! There is a corkscrew on a chain screwed into my kitchen counter!!! I'm really trying to find the humor in this....

On the other hand, my garbage was emptied. I wonder if there might be a midnight car washing raid?? (Hint, hint :). Maybe I should ask that 'next time' a bottle of wine be left next to the new corkscrew????

Apr. 8 :)

Tee-Hee!! Situation resolved!!! For those of you wondering, it wasn't too difficult to figure out where the third key was, I just couldn't cop to it!! I'm sorry I couldn't update, but I went into Stealth Mode; something that requires deep undercover. I moved my car over to a buddy's house right down the road and hung out at my across-the-way neighbor's logged onto her account and watching out her window. Took 3 days...

At least now I can rest assured that no one will come into my home again without me wanting them here. I don't mind 'well meaning' friends, but hey! This is MY home and I'll live in it as I damned well please!! I am comforted by the thought that lots of dust has settled and only two plants died in this entire fiasco. The only 'crime' to report is that my car inadvertently got washed...

This is OK however, since I have to drive downtown tonight to see Bob Seger....most of my buddies are going to the show and the General Consensus With a Concern has a ticket for me...Of course, to make SURE I don't blow off going to the show two of my buddies are showing up (ugh!! Banging on the door right now...doesn't the damned doorbell work??) to make sure I go... I'm driving. It's the 'carpool' excuse. OK... I'm sure I'll have a great time... Concerts never take longer than three hours, so I'll be on-line again before midnight :)

Apr. 9 (an anniversary of sorts)

Let it be known that my friends have a sense of humor. So do I, albeit some have commented that it is wry, dry, sick, twisted...but never absent. Sometimes I take things too seriously though and last night was proof of this. I have regained my senses though and, well....

OK, here's what happened; Last night I went to the show. We had a great time, as Cindy and I got to see the show from the House Mix position (hey, when one is short like myself, floor seats can be a bummer because everyone else stands and I can't see, so sitting at the mix I am above everyone's head). If you get to go to Bob Seger's show this tour, lucky you. Everyone else, you missed a great show! But, back to the point. After the show Cindy and I went out for a bit so I got home later than expected. When I got here there was a bottle of my favorite white riesling on the counter next to the corkscrew. I was beside myself for about a minute, then I got over it. It was too warm to drink and, being 2am, it was too late, so I put it in the fridge and went to bed. That is when I made my first discovery; somehow the curling iron was turned on and left on and fell to the floor. Since I never use this thing I have no need to ever check it, but there it was, stuck to the carpet in a mass of melted and stinking vinyl carpet goo. Oh joy! I merely unplugged it and put some water on it to cool off the melted carpet. I figured maybe I might deal with it in the morning. Then again, maybe not.

This morning when I woke up I remembered that 12 years ago today my life changed forever; I met my Ex-Husband. It was an odd thought to have in the waking hours. I mean, most people remember their wedding anniversary or their divorce anniversary, but I remembered this and something he said to me that day "You have got to be one of the funniest people I have ever met." Unsettled by the thought of my Ex first thing in the morning I got up to make coffee and log on. I saw the curling iron stuck to the floor and went straight into the kitchen. I was reminded of the wine when I opened the refrigerator to get out the milk. As the evil smile crookedly chiseled its way across my face, I opened the new vegetable drawer that had been replaced during my Failed Intervention encounter. Some time ago I had put some radishes in there in a baggie. Well, as radishes will be radishes, they behaved exactly as radishes should after a few weeks; the leaves had all decayed into a blackish goo and roots sprouted out the other end. I am sure that left alone long enough these roots turn into feet and the radishes make their escape, but it might take me a few more weeks to prove this theory. I am not too sure why, but I emptied the bag of radishes, goo and all, out of the baggie and into the new vegetable drawer!! The baggie is currently sitting on the counter top and I doubt that unless it sprouts feet it will get to the garbage on it's own!! Feels like home again already... :)

Apr. 10

Ah, what a wonderful day!! It has been overcast and rainy, but that makes for a great day to sit inside and web, right?? Steph comes home from school, does her homework and then inspects her Pet Plants. These are a 'project gift' she got from one of my aunts for Christmas; you place seeds in clear containers with gel nutrients and watch the root development (something which could be done in the time it takes to download some of these journals). It seems that the carnations are molding over. Steph, in her most beseeching look, suggests we replant them into soil. This is the kid who bought me new socks yesterday...how could I say no?

Since it is raining outside, the kitchen floor is the only logical place for this undertaking. Since my neighbor took pity on my pathetic short phone cord I have a new one which reaches the dining room again, so it was Green Light all the way on the kitchen floor idea. Steph got a newspaper from downstairs and I brought in some soil and pots from the terrace. As we sifted through the soil and placed it into the smaller pots some of it fell off the paper. Who cares? As I tried to pry the gel from the long clear cylinders it became obvious that cajoling it wasn't going to work; I had to start finessing it out with chopsticks. Of course the slippery goo slides out when I least expect it to, so I have to pick up this gel substance with my hands and place it into the soil. Now soil is starting to stick to my gel-coated hands and I am getting this mixture all over the cabinets as I reach for a trowel under the sink. After all the pet plants were potted Steph decided to water them. She stood up to fill a measuring cup with water at the sink and then POURED WATER from where she was standing instead of bending down to add the water. Dirt streamed everywhere. I said "Project finished" and she put the newly potted plants over by her computer. I have picked up the newspaper, but I am not mopping the floor or wiping the cabinets and drawers... I have email to read!!

Apr. 11

I was up bright and early today. My server had a major crash last night and was still down this morning. Bummer. I made a pot of coffee, unloaded the dishwasher, Threw a load of laundry in the washing machine, made breakfast and Stephanie's lunch. Sent her on her way to school, made some phone calls, washed the breakfast dishes, put the laundry into the dryer, tore the bedding off the beds, started another load of wash, remade the beds (I have a set of two of everything!) and vacuumed. I went into the kitchen to start the sauce for dinner tonight and had another cup of coffee. After the sauce was on the stove I cleaned up the coffee pot, folded the laundry in the dryer and put it away. I took down the shower curtains and put them in the wash and scrubbed the curtain rods and curtain rings.

I went back into the kitchen and rearranged my kitchen utensil and flatware drawers so I could find things again and folded and put away the second load of laundry. I put the shower cutrains in the dryer and put all the guest towels in the wash (they do get dusty, you know). I cleaned all the glass in the house and then I dusted everything. I put my knick-knacks in the sink and soaked them for a bit while I took the shower curtains out of the dryer and rehung them in the bathrooms. I put the guest towels in the dryer and put a load of Steph's clothes in and then stopped for lunch. After lunch I went into the bathrooms to clean, I love the smell of bleach...

AS IF!! April Fools people, didyou forget where you are ?? Come on, you would have seen this comin' up 6th Ave on April 1st,... how predictable!! I think April Fools should be played throughout the month of April so you can really get people... everyone expects it 4/1, yeah, big surprise! Oh well... As if Teleport would REALLY let me down!!!

Apr. 12 (Happy Birthday Michael!!)

It was just one of those days today... it rained all day. It was too icky out to go out, but I had to. The nice thing about living in a rainforest is that it rains all the time, which makes for some really fantastic webbing conditions. But, I had to go out. First, I got to the bottom of my stairs and there is a huge canvas full of cut grass across the walkway between me and my car. What's up with that?? Like the landscapers couldn't put this on the grass?? I was not too thrilled to have to walk around it in the wet grass in high heels (it's a girl thing).I go to the mailbox. I haven't picked up mail in a few days and sure enough, there are 4 VS catalogues and a Venus Swimwear catalogue. One would think the Daily Bikini Page would scan a few of these babes in; if you have the body, Venus swimwear is the way to go! Of course, if you're an old housewife like me, well, it is merely depressing. Hmmnnn... no disks... I need a few more disks. Where's my TAX RETURN CHECK??? Sheesh!!

So, I go out, I come home. The damned grass is still across the walk, though since it has been rained on heavily for a few hours it is starting to spread all over. I came in the house to my phone ringing, so I ran all the way down to my bedroom to answer it (come on, you know the kitchen phone is a computer line now!!). When I was done with my conversation I looked back down the hall.... a trail of cut grass everywhere!! Cause for concern?? Hardly!! I have to check my email as it is Barbie Night II... I have to get ready to go out!!

Apr. 13

Today I had a Webgrrls meeting to conduct down at the Habit Cafe (ah, yes, I AM the 'pointgrrl' for the PDX chapter, something which legitimizes my excessive use of the Net and justifies my many hours of surfing), but I did not want to mention this until after I returned home for fear the Cleaning Bandit might return. I love going to the Habit because I get to do two of my favorite things; socialize AND surf... can't beat that!!

Anyway, I go to pick up Caralee (one of the members) and she asks "Did you get a new car?" ??? "No, it was accidentally washed last weekend" I replied. Hmmnn.... Anyway, I go to the Habit and then come home. The remnants of Barbie Night II are all over the house. A gold purse and gloves here, a few silver bags and shoes there, hair things ALL OVER the bathroom... it looks like the inside of a wardrobe trailer!! Like I care, I mean, I can't see the bathroom from here...

Apr. 14 (St Barbara's Day...don't ask!!!)

Today was one of those days...one where laying about like a pet is about all one wants to do. I had the opportunity to slap on one of those Venus Swimwear purchases from last year (it was not pretty, but a tan might substitute for suction lipectomy... NOT!!) and lay out on the terrace. This is OK, because I can actually get the PowerBook out on the terrace with me to web, thanks to my neighbor and my new LONG phone cord!!

So there I am, lounging on my terrace among the barren terra cotta pots half filled with soil thinking about nothing in particular (well, OK, while I was at the Habit yesterday Android (a fellow Teleporter) had mentioned that he was going to put up a photo gallery of his last Strip Poker night on his page. In passing I mentioned that I did not know how to play poker, but he invited me to his next party anyway. How nice). Anyway, while I was lounging on my terrace I decided that I absolutely had to have a gardenia out there. I can't explain it, but it suddenly became an obsession; I went on a search for a gardenia plant!! I figured Hey!! no one knows I am leaving right now, so off I went. DENIED!!! I logged off for this?? I want a damned gardenia!! Sheesh! OK... Having logged back on has soothed my nerves a little. That and while I was out, I picked up some fresh coffee filters. Something about rinsing out yesterday's coffee filter doesn't quite work right... that, and it is too much work for a cup o' joe...

Apr. 15 TAX DAY

This has been an ongoing search now, I need to find a gardenia plant. I must have one!! This, for two reasons; I like gardenias and I get what I want. At least I like to think so. I mean, I'm not talking a 4 carat diamond here, just a stupid flowering plant, but it is becoming an issue with me. Last year I saw them for sale everywhere, now it is the most elusive plant in Oregon! Not to be defeated, I continued the search today.

Most of the day was spent in traffic. There is a certain disposition I take on when left in traffic for too long (coupled with being off-line too long)... in a single word: caustic. As if it was a BIG SURPRISE to 90% of the residents in my area, Income Taxes are due today. By 4pm there were cops directing traffic around the post office and the local postal annexes. I had to pass by 4 drop off points in search of my gardenia. This ate up a whole lot of my time and by 6 pm I was nearly homicidal. There is no excuse for this!! We have 4 1/2 months to do our taxes, so why do people wait until the last minute?? Got me. I figure do the damned things in February and just wait to mail the check until 4/15. It's not brain surgery people!!

The other reason I want a gardenia is that they smell much nicer than, say, my garbage after a couple of weeks. I certainly haven't taken it out!! Oddly, no one else has either. Hmmnn... When I walked through the door after yet another fruitless search, I was greeted by that aroma. Maybe I would have taken it out (yeah, right!) but the phone rang. I answered it. I got call waited. This went on for 4 hours!! By midnight I was too frustrated to talk to anyone else who may have called (I told countless people I would call them right back) and disconnected the bedroom phone, went into the dining room and logged on. It was a long night!!

Apr. 16

Well, I found it!! It doesn't have any blooms on it yet, but it should soon (I promise I will try not to kill it). As a NYer I am not too familiar with green things, but when I saw this plant I just knew it was a gardenia. The tag inside the leaves confirmed it. Made my purchase and came home. I hope those blooms come up soon, as I have yet to take out the garbage.

My buddy Jeff came over to install some sounds for me on the PowerBook. He has a great David Letterman sound byte that he captured on disk and I have been waiting a little while for it. When he came in he asked what died. Smartass. I showed him my new gardenia but he did not seem to think that was going to remedy the situation either. He installed the sound but did he take out the garbage for me?? Nooooooo....

Steph had a notion to play a few games on her computer this evening, which is set up by the sliding glass doors/terrace. This is where all the green things in the home (and a few pots of soil with sticks in them) live. She noticed my gardenia addition and asked about it. I said "I like to have flowers in the house." She said "You'd like to have anything flower in this house!! Rotten kid....

Apr.17 ONE YEAR!!!

One year ago today I got jacked in. As I sat here at the computer, reflecting upon what has transpired in that time I couldn't help but let my gaze wander across my surroundings. Hmmnn... well, there's the obvious, I have learned html (somewhat), met some very interesting people and made some really nice acquaintances. I have started the PDX chapter of WebGrrls! and also been collaborating on a book project with someone (whom until very recently) I had never met. A few other things aside, it has been a very interesting year.

As I thought about all the weird, wacky and wonderful humor I have read in this medium, all the art, opinions, education, etc... that I have at my fingertips, I realized there was a hair sticking out between my 'd' and 'f' keys. I plucked it out immediately with the tweezers. OH YES!!! The PowerBook is very clean!! I have tweezers, a dental pick, Q-tips and a feather duster right here to keep this baby in tip-top condition at all times!! While dust is settling all over my home, things are growing in the fridge and on my carpets and the aroma rivals a landfill, my PowerBook is squeaky clean! Hey! I have my priorities!!!

Apr. 18

Today was another one of those days... It was one of the few days I did not cart the PowerBook to work with me and I regretted it almost immediately. I was stuck in a traffic jam for just about three hours, sitting still. I could have plugged the adapter in and just typed up some email while in the car, but NO!. What was I thinking?? I am never leaving here without my beloved computer again!! I have learned my lesson!!

When I finally got home I went to the mailbox; two VS catalogs. Hmmnn... I haven't received a Venus Swimwear catalogue in over two weeks. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of my neighbors caught sight of me in the hot tub a few weeks ago and wrote to Venus begging them to cut me off. That's OK... I still have a few swimsuits from last year (which, BTW, I wouldn't even attempt to swim in!!). Tanning is everything. Since the terrace was cleaned a few weeks ago in the raid, I can now set up the computer on the terrace and do my webbing while tanning (thanks to my new extended length phone cord gratis my neighbor). If only the skies would clear up... Of course, I'll have to enjoy the weather while I can. It's raining here, but snowing on the hill. 24" new powder, OF COURSE I am going skiing tomorrow!!!

Apr. 19

HA!! Well, just as I suspected, it worked. When I came home from skiing there was a note on my dining room table saying 'No Mas!!!' with my house key!! Let me explain... I have not exactly been copping to all the things going on around here lately. When Jeff made his comment about the garbage, it was because there were four bags of garbage waiting to go out, and stacked in the kitchen. The laundry is piling up, and not just by the washer, but also a towel pile in Steph's bathroom, my clothes pile and Steph's. Since the garbage smell was rivalling a landfill, I had the windows open so it is really dusty in here as well, and of course I have no intention of dusting the place. Grass cuttings and planting soil on the floor and carpets, coffee and grinds on the counter (not to mention crumbs, etc... and yes, we are back to paper plates as the dishes are all in the sink.

See, I have this credo; If you want to be an a**hole, I'll show you how it's done!!. I have little tolerance for anyone, including someone who calls themselves a friend, telling me how to live my life! Anyone who does not agree with my lifestyle can go away if they so choose, but how dare ANYONE try to change how I live. That is for ME to decide. The milk carton and I will be settling in for a comfortable evening of webbing while my ski stuff dries out all over the living room :)

Apr. 20

Well, once again I logged off long enough to regret it. I drank all the milk last night and had to log off to go get more. I needed it for coffee this morning (well, that's what I call when I wake up). I opened the sliding glass doors and off to the store I went. I had a few other errands to do, so I did them. I decided errand time was over when it started to downpour. By the time I got here, I knew the carpet was soaked. The moldy smell from the last time it was soggy came back. Oh well, it seems to be doing a good job of rivalling the garbage scent. Maybe even the mushrooms will come back!!

Of course since it is raining so heavily I will be sitting here on-line for the rest of the day. There is absolutely no reason to log off in weather like this. The garbage can wait until it is sunny out (July is coming!).

Apr. 21 Earth Day

When I finally awoke this morning I did the usual routine; logon, go make coffee, read email, drink coffee... you know the drill. Not much changes around here. The rain has made it a sort of 'laze around and do nothing day' (like I need an excuse!!). This is the 26th observation of Earth Day. Since I recycle anyway (well, you know how I recycle... when a paper plate is too soggy to reuse it goes into the garbage) and have not been contributing to the landfills recently, I was content to sit here and web away. Much later in the afternoon, the sun came out for a bit. Not long, mind you (this is a rainforest!), but long enough to make me consider laying out on the terrace to work on my tan. Sitting at the computer for over a year, coupled with gravity, has had it's effect on my derriere. It wasn't really going to be a tanning situation, as the sky had but a smidgen of blue to it, but as I looked out on all the empty terra cotta pots I thought to myself it might be a good time to play in dirt.

Having read all the journals that had been updated, the news du jour, etc... I decided to log off and venture out to get some bedding plants. Shortly thereafter I returned home, victorious. Armed with the spoils of my adventure, I made my way through the living room to the terrace with a variety of flowers; I bought some marigolds, petunias, pansies and geranium. As I tried to open the sliding glass door while balancing the flat of flowers, I dropped one of the pansies on the carpet. Oh well. Since the carpet is wet, I would only be grinding mud into it if I tried to do more than lift the flower out of the pile of soil, so that is all I did. Maybe in the near (or distant?) future I will vacuum after the carpet dries (do not, I repeat, DO NOT hold your breath!!). Of course it started to rain shortly after I began my planting project, which was all the encouragement I needed to abandon the project, come back inside and log on again. HEY! The flowers stand a better chance of survival outside in the elements than they do in here!!!

Apr. 22

As usual, it is raining. I have declared a week of 'seclusion' in order to complete my collaboration project. This means no work, no phone calls, no visiting, no going out, nothing. Only the weather is cooperating. I might as well be talking to a wall though, as the pager has been going off (I kept it on incase of an EMERGENCY), the phone has been ringing and my front door might as well not even exist. Someone who stopped by asked if I was taking the week off to clean the house. HARDLY!! Since I wasn't in the mood to chit-chat, I stayed behind the computer in my sweats to make it clear (in unspoken terms) that I was busy. Of course, since people who come over to visit are used to this behavior, it didn't really work that well. I was just about to give up hope when my friend suggested I open a window since the aroma was making her eyes water (I am immune to this).

Since I wasn't about to get up to accommodate the unwanted company, I let her do this. She chose to open the sliding glass door. Tee-hee... just as she got there she discovered that she was standing in a sort of puddle. The carpet is still soaked, and the dirt that was in a small pile there from the pansy that fell yesterday got all over one of her canvas shoes. She was not impressed. I was not about to offer any assistance. Needless to say, she tracked a couple of mud tracks back across my living room, but I don't really care since I do not own the carpet. It wasn't long after I was back to work, undisturbed :)

Apr.23

Another wet day in the rainforest. After the morning news and coffee, I settled down to work on the project that has caused me to go into semi-seclusion (since no one I know is respecting my request for TOTAL seclusion). After countless interruptions via phone, pager, and even one foolish kid who braved the weather to ask me if I wanted a subscription to The Oregonian (NO, thank you, I do not, as I read all my news on-line and Hey!! Like I need one more thing to pile up around here!), I was finally able to get some work done.

I am not going to go into the process, suffice to say that I deleted 7 pages of work in WORD. After that brief, horror-stricken "Oh-NO!" second I realized what I did, grabbed my glass of V-8 juice and threw it against the dining room wall in a fit of rage screaming (expletives deleted).

Fortunately, the glass did not break (Pier 1, Luminarc 500 tumblers, these glasses can survive any kids and pissed-off adults) but there is new 'art' on the wall and carpet. Like I give a rats-ass, as I am still too pissed to appreciate the fanned red splatter anchored by the crescent shaped indentation in the wall. Maybe in a day or two I might come to like it, but I think it will serve more as a reminder of my tragedy. At least there is no broken glass to tip-toe around. Broken glass would have made me clean... in that case I would have been sputtering mad.

Apr. 24

This is the type of day I dread. Steph wanted to have a friend sleep over, I agreed (what was I thinking??) but you can be SURE this is the last time I agree to any such thing in the future!!

First, parent and child arrive at 3:30 pm; Parent inquires what happened (the dent and V-8 juice splatter are the first thing one sees from the front door) and I replied "oh, nothing." Hmmnn... I won't go into the mental exhaustion two 8yr old girls can cause... what was more alarming was that the parent kept stopping by every 2 hours to 'check up on things'. Who am I, Jeffrey Dahmer? Of course things are OK, no one's dead, no one's fighting, everyone has been fed (thank heavens for the microwave!!). It wasn't until the third 'check-up' that the situation was remedied. Since it was night, it got cooler out, so I closed all the windows. Yep, the ol' landfill aroma... It took about 15 minutes before said parent's eyes were burning and I was finally left to my own devices (along with two 8yr old girls) to try to get some webbing done... Sheesh!

Apr. 25

What was I thinking?? I got absolutely nothing done on-line or off-line last night. The slumber party was at best, nervewracking. By 9pm I should have been on-line (or at least in close proximity to my PowerBook) but the Powers That Be (AKA Weasel & Co.) had other ideas. By 9:30pm I was making cookies. This time, without the help of the Fire Dept. Of course, they didn't go to sleep until WAY late and I was almost a bundle of nerves by the time I got on-line (close to midnight) and exhausted. I didn't have the strength to surf.

This morning was no improvement... I was still exhausted. Need I mention we were all up at dawn (one of us unwillingly)? The girls asked what was for breakfast. Cookies, of course. I was too busy mustering all my intellectual resources to brew a pot of coffee. Since they didn't have school today (it seems these kids go to school 4 days/wk now, what's up with that? I had to go to school 5 days/wk!) it seemed like a great idea to feed them cookies for lunch too. They certainly didn't complain! Around 3pm salvation came as the other parent arrived to rescue her daughter. After a while of trying to recuperate at the computer, I got the subtle hints that dinner was in order. I remembered the boxed leftover pizza in the oven and told her to warm it up (I was busy catching up on surfing). Apparently Steph figured it would warm up faster if she turned the heat up higher. My surfing was interrupted by the smoke alarm going off 15 minutes later.

Fortunately the only thing in the oven at the time was the pizza box, so this escapade did not require a visit from the Fire Dept. Since I made cookies last night, the box of baking soda was still on the counter, so I ripped the top off and threw the baking soda on the flames. I handed Steph the plate of remaining cookies and told her they were all hers. Judging from the look on her face, she is burnt out on cookies.

Apr. 26

When I woke up this morning there was a sort of different smell to the house. I quickly discovered that in the pizza box fiasco I had not turned the oven off (I was so busy extinguishing the flaming pizza box and burning stuff in the oven). I am not too sure how this oversight occurred, but it must have had something to do with email...

Anyway, it was/is a mess. I opened all the windows and doors to get some fresh air in here. I noticed Steph's pet plants are dead (she will not be thrilled). Of course I would rather read my email than clean a stove, so I made the best compromise possible in this situation; I got the Easy-Off oven cleaner out from under the sink (which was a project in itself) and sprayed it all over the oven, inside and out. Naturally, I am on-line while it is busily loosening up all the grime....

Apr. 27

Well, though it looked like I might get stuck cleaning the stove, guess again!! I had a wedding to go to... Lucky Me!! I did note that the oven cleaner from yesterday was dried, so I took a moment to spray some more Easy-Off to loosen the existing Easy-Off. I guess I figure that whenever I get to this project I want it to be easy. Who am I kidding anyway?? The stove will have to walk out of here to get clean. I am off to a wedding!!

Apr. 28

Well, the wedding was wonderful (as weddings go) but neither the bride nor the groom had a computer with access. It wasn't long before I had the feeling that the email file was building up.... Of course, all the usual wedding ceremonies had to be played out, including the ever-favorite tossing the Bride's bouquet to the single girls. That was a group of one, namely me. Oh joy!! Suddenly everyone has a favorite buddy at the office who just recently got divorced and... You know the drill. Don't they understand??? I just want to log on, read my email, surf the Net, heck, I have a book to write!! I don't have time to date, to play 'let's get to know you', to (Heaven forbid) clean the home... Sheesh!

Yeah, what I need is a computer nerd. Someone who is so wrapped up in his own computer that he doesn't notice the mess, the smell, the laundry piles, the mounting garbage, the hazy windows, the dust. I need someone who will email me from my own living room (OK, our living room... as long as I am fantasizing, he might as well keep my feet warm at night also). Does he exist?? Hmmnnn... now there's a question. I doubt I'll find him out at a bar... No guy I'd be interested in would log off to go to a bar. I don't even want to log off to go to a bar!! Besides, I think once any guy reads THIS page it is pretty much a moot point. Oh well... I'll rummage around for a good paper plate and drown my sorrows in, hmmnn, well, there's nothing to eat around here. I'll have Steph call Domino's (Hey! They deliver...)

Apr. 29

It has been a beautiful day here today, unseasonably warm and sunny. I opened all the windows and sliding glass door to get some different air in here. Sooner or later the carpet has to dry anyway. I figured that would be about it for the day, log on and do some webbing. NOT!!! First, a huge cobweb came down from the ceiling. Not that I mind them, but this one was ripped from it's anchor by the strong breeze flowing through the house. It didn't come all the way down though, just one end dislodged. This was actually a good thing. It is about the size of a curtain, and the sun was just beginning to make it impossible to see the screen on the PowerBook. I left it there until the sun moved on. I tacked it back up on the other side of the window like a valence. Hmmnn... useful decoration!! Since I don't have curtains, this may come in handy this summer!!

Of course my webbing fun was disrupted by a dose of reality. The registration for my car expires tomorrow (and we already know the cops are keeping an eye on me... one followed me the other day for about two miles; I guess he couldn't tell what color registration sticker I had). To avoid any unnecessary harassment, I logged off and went down to the DEQ (Dept. of Environmental Quality) to have my car tested (in Oregon that is a prerequisite to renewing vehicle registration). I filled out the forms in the car while we (the car and I) waited in line. When it was finally my turn I pulled the car into the testing bay and the fun began. From a distance when it is freshly washed my car looks OK, but up close and after a couple of weeks, it is a different story. I drive through construction sites often, which adds to the mystique which is my car. Anyway, what is normally a 5 minute process took about 1/2 hour. The guy was reluctant to pass my car. Even though the emissions were normal, the tester made a comment about 'other environmental considerations'. I thanked him for his 'concern' and asked for my stickers already. Sheesh!! Doesn't this guy know I have to check my email???

Apr. 30

Were it not for email, I might not have even got out of bed this morning. Actually, that rule applies every morning... Anyway, I was up and at 'em earlier than I cared to be. I was making my morning coffee as the modem was making it's connection and I noticed that the stuff on the stovetop had dried (again). I grabbed the can of Easy-Off (handily left on the counter top) and sprayed some moisture onto the mess. I'll get to it. My first piece of mail was from a realtor in Seattle that I used to work with here. He checked out my homepage and his comment about my photo was "There ought to be a law against false advertising on the Net." Thanks Ed. The sun began to shine in on my screen so I untacked my new 'curtain' and resumed webbing. The day went on.

About 5pm my Hero, The Gish showed up for a surprise visit. I haven't seen him in quite a while (well, since the vegetable drawer incident). He had brought with him some flowers and a bag. Since I wasn't about to search for a vase, I put the flowers in a handy Burger King large soft drink cup with some water, turned to him and asked "What's in the bag?" Two apricot ales... mmmm! My favorite! This is a departure for him, so I inquired about the selection. His response was "I didn't want to get anything that would require a lime." Gee, wonder why??

Steph's Birthday is coming up Tuesday so I had to log off for a bit to go shopping. I got the gifts in almost no time, but as I was returning to the car I made a discovery. Someone had put a bumper sticker on my car that reads 'Do not wash this car; it is undergoing a scientific experiment'. Must have been one of my neighbors. Then again, it could have been anyone. I'll have to drive through the car wash soon though as I have yet to put my new registration stickers on my license plates. I'm sure I'll get to it... someday.

Kim has informed me that I am now cooking for 12 at her Birthday party tomorrow night. When I agreed to this proposition it was just her, her brother and her parents. Suddenly this has turned into a Gala Event, with me as the chef. Well, let's face it, we couldn't very well have the party HERE now, could we?? I realized I am going to have to get Kim a present tomorrow (I forgot this while I was out Bday shopping for Steph today.... something about wanting to check my email). Hopefully I will remember to get some more Easy-Off as well... the can emptied itself out tonight in the middle of it's refreshing spray.

May 2

This morning was quite a morning. First, I made coffee and logged on. When I was done with my login process I went into the kitchen to get my coffee. It looked like tea, and was all over the counter. Apparently the water in the automatic drip compartment channelled down the side of the filter causing it to only get some of the coffee wet and also to spill out all over the counter. I was not pleased. This is the second time this has happened in a couple of weeks and it is causing me to consider an alternative. I may have to get a French Press. I am due to have some company here this summer (YIKES!!) and coffee will be a must.

In fact, the thought of my companion's visit caused me to consider the possibility of (EGADS!!) cleaning, when my thought was interrupted by Stephanie's phone ringing. Heh... saved by the bell!! Anyway, it was the ARC calling to ask if I would have any clothing or household donations that they could make use of. I said "But of course!" and asked when they would be here for the pick up. Next Monday. Good. I grabbed my box of garbage bags from under the sink and quickly started filling them with all the piles of stuff on the floor from the kitchen to the bedroom (sans actual garbage). I know they launder all clothing donations anyway, and I figured 'what the heck?' I mean, winter is over, I wouldn't be wearing any of these things for a while anyway. Since the weather has improved, I have a whole new wardrobe from last summer (back when I still did laundry) hanging in Steph's closet. No need to transfer it, I can just go to her room to get dressed every morning. The whole process took me about 4 minutes, just enough time for my new NetScape Navigator to launch :)

May 3

Steph opted to stay home this weekend instead of performing in a scheduled horse show. I am not exactly sure what her motivation was to blow off the show, but her mood was definitely altered when I proclaimed "Good thing you stayed home, it's Spring Cleaning Weekend!". She was definitely bummed. I would venture to guess that Spring Cleaning is something most people do for more space in their garages or their closets. Here, it has an entirely different meaning :)

One just has to look around here to get an idea of what I mean. We don't even know where the vacuum cleaner is (though we have a general idea), though we know where most of the dishes are (the sink). I am sure Steph thought she was going to play all weekend, but the reality that I would not be doing the Spring Cleaning sunk in real fast. Aside of having second thoughts about blowing off a show, I am pretty confident that she will learn a valuable lesson about keeping scheduled appointments. Mostly, I think I have just found a way to get out of having to take out the garbage...

Hmmnnn... Spring Cleaning day lasted about 20 minutes this morning. In that time I got Stephanie to remove four bags of garbage, just enough to make a clear path in the kitchen to get to the fridge. Not that there is anything in the fridge (except the radishes, or what used to be radishes), but it's nice to be able to get to the milk without and obstacles.

Anyway, Steph had decided that playing outside was more important than coming back for the other bags of garbage, but I hadn't noticed for awhile. Of course I was checking my email, which lead to some surfing. Anyway, I had to find her before I could drag her to the Habit. Now there's a perfect Gig-Neglecting excuse... Anyway, it is a nice day to get out and do one's webbing somewhere else. As I am sitting here updating my page (as far away from my stove as possible!!) Android looked at another person's homepage. Said person's homepage with a photo of his girlfriend. Android scrolls down the page, notices she is dressed and proclaims "What a waste of the Web!!". Maybe I shouldn't bring Steph here anymore...

May 5 (Cinco de Mayo)

My day started out grateful that I got yet another Victoria's Secret catalogue in the mail (which I finally checked today). It was getting to the point where I may have had to do laundry (for the sake of having foundations). Instead I took the advice of one of my readers and called the 800 # to place an order (Fed Ex, of course). Well, it wasn't that he told me to call VS, but that he had mentioned that where some people have a sock drawer, he has a sock room (he just buys more). Great idea, huh? In fact, when I started this page I was sure no one could relate (or gave a rats-ass, for that matter) but I am amazed by the confessions people send in to me from all over the world. At least I am not alone in my love of surfing (or detestment of housework).

After that phone call it was another Marathon Computer day. I had to read the updated version of our project that my collaborator FTPed to me. The file is huge and transfers with garbage every time. Oh well. It would have been a perfect tanning day, but that has passed now too. Instead I get to listen to the Jerky Boy downstairs playing his Metallica CD a bit too loud for my liking. Don't get me wrong, I love Metallica, but only when I am in the mood. I wasn't in the mood to have Lars shaking my floor with his awesome drumming for too much longer, so I did the only thing I could do. I let Jerky Boy have it. See, unlike most folks, I used to work in a 119Db environment, so when it was time to go stereo shopping, I took a few sound engineers with me. Yeah, my stereo can break laws set on 4 (volume control goes up to 11). I chose the Stones 'Start Me Up' and put it on 3. Hey! You know my credo!! Anyway, I just heard the door slam, so my guess is that Jerky Boy is on his way up here...

I didn't have to log off for this one. I positioned Steph behind the front door wearing her deadphones and went over to the stereo. When he banged on the door, on the count of three Steph opened it while I cranked it up to 11. The sound concussion blew him right off the landing. I can hear the sirens now... his girlfriend must have called 911 (as I sure wasn't about to log off to make that call!). I doubt I'll have this problem again!!

May 6

What can I say about today? It was one of those days. Today was Neighbor-Commentary-on-my-Living-Conditions Day and more than a few stopped by to gawk. It is getting like a museum around here!! I felt like a tour guide today trying to explain all the situations that created the various spetacles in my home. The day turned to evening quickly as I had to get things ready for the school skate party. WHAT was I thinking???

I was not at all able to cook anything with the stove being covered in Easy-Off so it was another Burger King night. I was barely able to maintain my composure as over 300 kids whirled and crashed around me. One I can handle, over 300 qualifies as a Prozac Night!! When we got home from this sordid affair masquerading as fun I decided to go to the hot tub. Bummer, no towels. I guess they got caught up in the big donation sweep. That's what frumpy terry cloth robes are for anyway.

May 7 (The Weas turns 9)

Yep, today is Stephanie's Birthday. Her Birthday wish was for me to be off-line tonight. WHAT?? My own flesh and blood making such an unreasonable demand?? Hmmnn... well, OK. I stayed on-line all day. I had to. I am still not quite recuperated from the skating experience of last night. Work? Hey, that's what sick days are for... You go to work when you are sick and save sick days for things like long weekends and a day at the beach. Me, I need to be on-line today. Does anyone know a doctor who will write a note for Internet Deprivation as a medical excuse???

Anyway, I had a lot of stuff to do on-line and off-line. I have never strayed more than three feet (read: coffee pot) from the PowerBook today. I had a lot of old text copies on my desktop and FTP downloads in my download folder that I had to clean up. Of course, I transferred them to the trash, but the files are so huge I had to repeat this process 5 times. This is about as close to cleaning as I'll get today, emptying the desktop trash!!!

Emergency Update... It is getting close to time to log off and go to the Brasserie for Steph's Birthday dinner. One small problem; the Federal Express guy never showed up with my order from Victoria's Secret. Uh-oh. You know, I vaguely remember having a similar problem on MY birthday (but KGON-FM had declared it 'No Underwear Wednesday')... Hmmnn.... I wonder if it is a cosmic-Brasserie thing. Oh well, no time to speculate. I have to come up with something opaque to wear!!

May 8

By the grace of God, the Fed Ex guy showed up relatively early today, bearing a package from Victoria's Secret. Whew!! Now I won't have to do laundry for at least a month. Since I now had foundations, I figured I might as well go to the drycleaners and get a few items out of hock. Until I can find a doctor who will write me an Internet Deprivation Medical Excuse, I'm going to have to make guest appearances at work. Since it has become much milder here weather-wise, I opted to get a few linen suits. The guy at the drycleaners asked if this meant I had intentions of 'getting a life', I told him I doubted that would happen without Divine Intervention. I return home and log on... since email was sparse (read: none), I figured I had no option but to get ready for work.

Freshly showered and dressed in one of my favorites, a white Tahari linen suit, I figured I'd grab a quick drink of iced tea before jumping into traffic. Since most of my glasses are waiting to be scared with some soap, I reached up into the top shelf of a kitchen cabinet to get one of the last clean glasses in the house. When I did, the jacket of my white Tahari linen suit rubbed in the Easy-Off on top of the stove (which is currently a black greasy goo) and then rubbed all over my skirt. I lost it!!!. I took the suit off and, sobbing, went back to the drycleaners begging for help. All they could do was shake their heads. I came back home and called work to tell them I was in mourning. Not even surfing could make me feel better today.

ADDENDUM

Jolie called me and heard the bad news. Sympathetic to my extremely bummed mood, she tried to cheer me up. Since she is moving to CA soon, she is 'cleaning out her closet' to minimize carrying unnecessary stuff. She came by with a few items of interest (which was appreciated) but there is no replacing the beloved Tahari suit. Jolie has not been by for a while (as in, not since Kathleen, my ex-next door neighbor, got married and moved) and her expression when I opened the door was undescribable. I am not sure if it was shock or the landfill aroma that overcame her, suffice to say that all she could muster was a "What happened here???" Stephanie offered a "Don't ask" and the subject was closed.

As if the day wasn't enough, at quarter past midnight my doorbell rang. ??? Of course I am up and on-line, but the question is 'Who is at my door?' Obviously no one I know, since everyone I know (the few brave enough to come over, anyway) just walk right in. I reluctantly leave the PowerBook and answer the door. This guy I do not know is standing there and he has a look of horror on his face and he asks "What happened here?" I said "Did you come by here at 12:15am to comment on my lifestyle or is there something REALLY important that would warrant ringing my doorbell after midnight?" Snapped back to reality, he asks if I am parked in his space. UGH!! No, I wasn't and I am busy and don't ever ring my doorbell again. Sheesh!

May 9

I did not sleep well last night, and the wake-up call I received first thing this morning was not good. A very important transaction (work related) did not go through, and this causes me some stress. Since my day was already shot, I decided to get up and log on, as it looked like I was going to have to go to work. My log-on process was interrupted four times by the damned phone ringing. In my business, when things go wrong it has a domino effect, so everyone with a finger and an ear feels the need to call. Sheesh! By the time I got to finally log on, it was getting late in the morning. As I was sitting here trying to read my email/news updates, my bangs kept getting in my eyes. This is a personal pet-peeve; I hate having hair in my eyes. It is always pulled back. For 6 years it was all one length and always pulled back, then one day I decided I needed a change. Thus, I got bangs cut. That was a year ago. I have regretted that decision to this day, as I can't be bothered to log off to go sit around and wait for a haircut. I am annoyed by my own hair. So what do I do?

Scissors in hand, I go into my bathroom and cut my own bangs over the sink. Hmmnn... there's a reason one pays a professional to do this, as I just discovered. As I was busily trying to cut a straight line, my hair kept getting shorter and shorter. Never cut your own hair, especially when you are depressed!! Suffice to say, I am going to be having a Bad Hair Day for the next 6 weeks. This, right on the heels of the Mourning of the Dead Tahari Suit was just too much for me to take. Sobbing uncontrollably, I called work and told them that my big transaction was dead and I was in no condition to come to work. Maybe it was the tears. Maybe it is the sympathy for lost income, but I was told to take it easy and rest. OK. I think I have a grip now.

Shortlived!! I go over to my sink to pat some cool water on my face and the sink starts backing up. Hair in the drain (among other things, I guess). This put me 'over the top'. As much as I joke about Prozac, I am seriously reconsidering that position. I don't even want to deal with the backed up sink. I return to the PowerBook for comfort and I have timed out on my connection. Oh well. I try to log on again and the phone rings. I am in no mood, so I don't answer it. I decided to make some coffee. I am out of coffee filters. I just started to cry right there in the kitchen. I can't take it anymore. My home is a mess. My business is a mess. My hair is a mess. My LIFE is a mess!!! I need a distraction from all of this, something positive, so I decided to work on the book project. The book project!! My collaborator will be here in 5 weeks and I couldn't even bulldoze this place clean!! Totally distracted, I was unable to write. Since the sun was shining, I decided that maybe I should just lay out for a while and catch some rays. This seemed like a good idea since (for the brief time I was on-line this morning) I noticed that one of my bathing suits was featured in The Daily Bikini.

I go into my room and pull out same yellow bikini. It does NOT look like the one on today's page (well, it does, but I don't wear it as well... a year at a computer does not do a girl's figure much good). Completely depressed, I put on a different bathing suit (read: one that still fits) and decided to just lay out on my terrace. The ultimate backstab; my gardenia is dead. I don't mean the buds have all fallen off, I mean dead. It and everything else out there is dead. Brown. Dry. DEAD. Though I feel as dry as my plants, more tears came to my eyes. Everything in my life is going wrong. No one likes me, my plants are dead, my collaborator is going to FREAK when he gets here (he is a compulsive neatnik... of course, when you only have four belongings {OK, 5, but the six-four is not inside} it is not hard to be neat) and I am reduced to a total basket case. Only one thing left to do; I call my therapist (yes, I have a therapist... big surprise, eh?)

After 10 minutes on hold Dr. D. gets on the line. I synopsize my day for him and my concerns that the whole world is against me (I think this goes beyond paranoia here) and my concerns that even my collaborator won't like me and he says "Oh, you are overreacting, of course he'll like you. He'd be a fool not to." I said "Do you really think so?" He says "Well, maybe, but you pay me to say nice things." Gee, thanks. Et tu, Brutus??

May 10

As if yesterday wasn't bad enough, Steph comes home from school and says "Mom, you look terrible!". Not "Hello". Not "How was your day?". I burst into tears. Steph (the wonderful child that she is) came over and gave me a hug. Sobbing, I said "My life is a mess" she replied. "Mom, get a grip; it's only the kitchen!" and patted my back. Where do 9 year olds get this wisdom from?? She put it all into perspective for me and then got to work. About 45 minutes later all the garbage was taken out to the dumpster. In its place was Steph's laundry. There's always a price.

Though the garbage is gone, the smell is still here. And my hair still looks the same; short and uneven. Oh well. It will grow. Which caused me to speculate: Why is it that I can't seem to get plants to grow, but I can get mushrooms to grow on my carpet? Why is it that I had an avocado pit root and sprout under my kitchen cabinet but when I put it in dirt, it died? Same with my coffee art and my vegetable drawer projects? They seem to flourish. Then it hit me. I need plants that require little maintenance. No maintenance!! It is cactus time here at the Ol' Mme. X homestead! Forget tropical, we are going for the desert motif next!!

May 11

When I finally awoke today it was to the toe-tapping of a cross-armed 9 year old who wanted to know why she didn't have any clean shorts yet. Hmmnn... Since Steph is as persistent as I am not, it was about to be a test of wills. This kid has more clothes than Nordstrom's, why do I have to do laundry?? Hint: Victoria's Secret does not sell children's foundations. Oh well... looks like an irrefutable argument there.

Since Steph is now 9 (and almost my height) it occurred to me that there was no reason she couldn't do her own laundry. She can reach the control settings on the washer now, so I used this observation to my advantage. I showed her how to do laundry. This was OK for the first two loads. It was the third load that we suffered technical difficulties. Steph has this idea that 'More is Better', and applied it to laundry detergent. It wasn't until I was downloading an unusually slow site laden with graphics that I noticed we had a problem. I glanced into the kitchen to notice the advancing wall of bubbles. 3' high, 4' wide and 7' deep. Oh boy. Am I doing laundry? No. Is this my problem? No. Ste-e-e-eph!!!!

May 12 Mother's Day

Just so you know, I did not get breakfast in bed, flowers or a card. I think Steph is getting me back for yesterday. Now mind you, I am a wonderful mom (biased, but wonderful :) and though it would have been easier to do this myself, there was a lesson in responsibility to be learned (and that site finally downloaded). I called in to Steph to put her bathing suit on. She called back an excited acknowledgement from her bedroom (thinking we were going to the hot tub, no doubt). She was not thrilled to see the wall of bubbles in the kitchen. A sunken look came over her face.

I told her last I knew there was a mop alongside the dryer, and she should navigate through the bubbles to get to it, then clean up the bubbles. It was a slow and slippery process that ended up taking about 4 hours. By the time she was done, not only were the bubbles gone and the laundry almost finished, but my kitchen floor was mopped, as well as most of the cabinets wiped down. Who could ask for a better Mother's day present?

May 13

So I am minding my own business at home, webbing away, when Kim stops by. "What happened to YOU?" she asks. "Don't ask". I am going to have to live with this hair for a little longer than I think I can financially stand to. Sooner or later I am going to have to go to work. Like, in an hour.

If I have never mentioned this before, I am curler impaired. I am lucky I can operate a barrette. I usually pull all my hair back into a barrette and drop it into an attached snood (AKA hairnet); I call this 'Hair in a Bag'. My bangs are so short they stick straight out when dry, and there is no length to work with. I decided to try a different tack. After my shower (drying in my frumpy terry cloth robe since the disappearance of my towels) I rummaged around the bathroom cabinet for some hair mousse. See, every time I let some 'Professional' cut my hair, they also curl it and sell me this stuff that will ALWAYS hold the style. That is, IF you can style your hair! Anyway, I shake the can and attempt to squirt some in my hand. Nothing. I do this again. Nothing. A bit more vigorously I shake the can and sure enough, after a small 'explosion' all sorts of mousse comes shooting out of the can all over. I try to rinse it down the sink. The sink is still clogged. The daily toothpaste isn't helping any either.

I switch gears and aim for the styling gel. Big Mistake!! I remembered too late why the styling gel is still there after three years; it makes my hair look so greasy and icky. YUCK!! Well, I am not taking another shower to rewash my hair. I'm already dry. Yeah, I called into work again today.

May 14

Today when I woke up I detoured into Steph's bathroom. I had to. The sink is all backed up from yesterday and there is still mousse all over, drying of course. I have considered permanently setting up toothbrush and toothpaste in her bathroom. After some coffee I had a change of heart and poured some Drano in the sink. I sat down to read my email, drink my coffee, do the morning thing.

Later this afternoon on of my on-line neighbors stopped by. She has just returned from her son's Naval graduation in Chicago and wanted to show me photos. Now mind you, this woman lives 60 yards away, but since we both got on-line a year ago we only see each other in the parking lot occasionally. We email daily. Anyway, she stops by and says "What happened to You?" "Don't ask." After we go through the photos she suggests I come over some time. I looked at her blankly. "You want me to log off to come over and watch YOU on-line?? Forget it, I'll email you!!"

Never leave Drano unattended for really long periods of time. You forget that it is there. I did, anyway. This morning I was up before dawn (for reasons I can't explain, I just haven't been sleeping well lately) and attempted to wash my hands. I forgot about the clog in the sink because all the water was gone. Moments after I started running the water smoke started rising from the drain. YIKES!! The smell reminded me that I had put the Drano in there yesterday and I left the water running for a few moments to try to rinse the smell out. ICK! Since it was way too early to deal with anything like this, I decided to try to go back to sleep. I was unsuccessful, mostly because the smell of chemicals had permeated my room. UGH!

Later in the day I went down to the mailbox. Both Venus swimwear and Victoria's Secret were represented, but STILL no state tax refund check. This is unbelievable. I filed in February. I called the ODR to inquire what the hang-up was. They said they never received my returns. EXCUSE ME??? I sent in my returns in the envelope THEY SENT ME... I had to re-file. This cut into my on-line time. It should take six weeks. By then my hair should grow back and I should be able to pay for a REAL haircut!!

May 16

Just when I think I can't have a worse day, I get some not-too-good news from my collaborator. Some jerk sent him a virus, a mean-spirited rotten and malicious thing to do, as it's main course of intent was to eat his WORD file. Our book project is in that file. I am not amused at all. I logged off to make a very important call. I regretted that almost immediately, as every fundraiser with a finger and an ear decided to call in that hour. I logged back on to get some relief from the phone. My collaborator is losin' it and who could blame him?? Even in seclusion, the misery of the outside world can encroach on his attempt at a peaceful existence. Poor fellow... we have worked so hard for long only to have this mindless insensitivity drive him damned near over the edge. Like I said, I was not impressed. My lack of amusement turned quickly to rage.

I logged off and went into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. I was too pissed to even look at my computer. I was bothered that such a source of joy could be turned into a total heartbreak by one insensitive idiot that I don't even know for no good Goddamned reason. I couldn't help but notice my stove, it stands out pretty starkly against the freshly soaped up floor and counters. I decided to take my frustration out on that. I picked up a sponge and started wiping away. Since nothing was moving I poured some Mr. Clean all over the top of the stove. This loosened up the Easy-Off and grime sufficiently to move the goo around, but not necessarily pick it up. I didn't care. I rubbed and rubbed and thought all the while of rubbing out the jerk who did this to us. Yeah. Rub him out. I picked up the phone to call my 'Uncles' Guido, Vito, Gino & Nunzio. As I waited on Hold (long distance) I leaned against the counter to look at my stove. I think I know where Franz Kline got his start. Certainly Robert Motherwell. My stove looks like the 'Elegy to the Spanish Republic, Plate 138'. Hey, Domino's delivers.

May 17

I knew I shouldn't even attempt to do anything but log on when I saw the rain outside. I can handle the usual rainforest variety drizzle, but today it was coming down. Sadly, duty also called so I figured I'd just get it over with and go to work. I figured I could slick my hair back in that sort of 'wet look' style the gel creates since wet was going to be the theme du jour. I take my shower and go through my usual 'getting ready for the day' ritual. Gel in hair, I reach under the bathroom sink for one of the many barrette/snoods I keep in a basket down there. With one hand holding up my hair and the other hand searching for the snood, I wasn't having much luck.

My luck didn't change either. I reached back a bit further and put my hand in something gooey that burned. I withdrew my hand immediately and crouched down to look. Oh my God!! The Drano ate through the drainpipe and all that water, hair, soapgoo, etc... is now in my cabinet under the sink! The Drano wasted no time eating a variety of hair bows, Health and Beauty Aides, et al... I couldn't wash my hand fast enough either... I am going to have to call Kevin (the Maint. Guy) for this... he's gonna flip. At least I now know why that smell has stayed in my room... I am not looking forward to this. In fact, I just shut the cabinet doors, called into work and logged on. What else could I do???

May 18 Mt St Helen's erupted 16 yrs ago...

Well, if it happened today I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the ash and the dust around here. In fact, I might even be able to get a FEMA grant to clean this place!! Of course, I can't wish the same for Mt Hood or I'd have nowhere to ski. Not that I am going to dust either. Just thinking....

My buddy Cindy emailed me. After reading my page she decided that all the plaster, etc... from remodeling her home was not so bad in comparison, so she invited me over to hot tub. Hey! She has towels, she has champagne and chocolate, and most important, she has ACCESS!!!

May 19

Well, it was a fun-filled evening of 'You Don't Know Jack!' Those folks at Berkeley Systems have got it goin' on!! Makes me sort of wish the PowerBook had CD-ROM. Hey!! Don't get me wrong here... I LOVE the PowerBook. It has been very good to me. We have a very wonderful relationship and I am not about to abandon it for some younger, faster version with a lot of flash but no sentimental substance.

These are the things I think about while I am busily trying to distract myself from the seeping goo under my sink. I discovered that the carpet is soaked. I didn't realize this because there is a bath mat on the carpet in front of the sink. I used to be meticulous... Anyway, I might have known about the problem sooner had it not been for the bath mat. I am going to have to log off here shortly and go tell Kevin about the drainpipe. I am not looking forward to this. I am quickly accumulating stuff in Steph's bathroom. Now I have things scattered all over the place. Hmmnn.... maybe I'll just download the on-line version of 'You Don't Know Jack' and play that for a while. Yeah...

May 20

This weekend Steph did very well in her showing. She took three firsts and a second in a horse show and was very proud of her accomplishment. Steph shows in an older class and is often disappointed with her third and fourth placings, but this weekend she is feeling redeemed. She came home completely covered with the remnants of the stables. Not like one might notice in this place though. I wasn't about to squash her moment of glory by being a nag, but then again there is a difference between mud and manure. I'm sure the carpet mushrooms are going to love this.

Anyway, Steph was not too pleased to see all the stuff that has accumulated in her bathroom while she has been away. She inquired about the reason she has all this stuff in her bathroom (mind you, Steph has quite a bit of her own stuff in there) so I told her about the broken pipe in my bathroom. She asked when it was going to be fixed. I told her as soon as I could get a hold of Kevin, what's the rush? She said she wants here own space. Her own space?? "Well, my bathroom is the way I want it, you have your own bathroom." Hmmnn... who pays the rent here?? I was considering negotiating with her until her next comment... something about preferring the stables to the kitchen. Oh yeah?? Well, I think there is some garbage that can go out... Oh STEPHANIE!!!!!!!!

May 21

I wish I had never awakened today. The stuff under my sink is making my eyes swell and I wake up looking all puffy. My really short crooked bangs are not helping matters either. Sort of damaging to my disposition. Did my day improve?? Like you had to ASK!. Why attempt to style my hair when the persistent downpour will do it for me? To make matters worse, Kevin (the maint. guy) stopped by after my shower because Steph told him we had a problem with my sink. Fortunately I was still in my lovely (read: frumpy) terry cloth robe (still no towels) with wet hair so I used having just gotten out of the shower as my excuse for keeping the door almost shut. Well, Hey! I had to! There's no way that I could let HIM in here! 72 hours is not enough time to get evicted from this mess!!

To make matters worse, on my way to work today I got pulled over by the local authorities. What now? Apparently Officer Hawkeye noticed my expired tags and wanted to check my registration. Who can see anything in this downpour?? Well, I showed him my stickers (which were in the glovebox) and he asked why they weren't on the plates. I told him because I was waiting until I washed the car to make sure they stuck. He said "From the looks of things we might be waiting a long time, eh?" My taxes support this harassment... Speaking of which, WHERE ARE MY TAX RETURNS??? You know, I am dangerously close to turning this into yet another rant page...

May 22

It was inevitable. Kevin (the maint. guy) came by today to check on 'the problem' Steph mentioned the other day. I was already dressed in my suit and on-line checking email when he rang the doorbell. Sort of no escape. I sheepishly led him to my bathroom. His eyes began to water the moment I opened my bedroom door. I reluctantly opened the under-the-sink cabinet door and he let out the most unusual groan I have ever heard (outside of a zoo).

He instructed me to get him a garbage bag (fortunately I have lots of grocery bags) and I discovered my connection had timed out. This was an obvious omen, I was stuck getting involved in the toxic waste removal process. Instant Karma.

45 minutes later the drainpipe was replaced and I had a whole lot less stuff in my bathroom cabinet. I am down to about three barrettes (that were discovered in one of the laundry piles)... Oh well. Through the entire ordeal, Kevin kept giving me this disgusted sigh. I tried not to take it personally. As he was leaving I thanked him and said "What would I do without you?" and he replied "Well, you'll find out in about a week." He looked at me in what appeared to be disbelief and said "After months of this I am ready for a tent with snakes and beer!!" ??? Hmmmnnnn....

May 23

This place is even getting to me. Not so much the surroundings themselves, but the residual effects of the stuff in my bathroom on my eyes, the inquisitive neighbors and the ever oppressive rain. I need a break. I am headed out of here tomorrow morning bright and early to meet up with my collaborator. We are going to wrap up this book project. Rest assured that no cleaning will be done in my absence (and if it is, who cares?? I know where the corkscrew is!!).

In lieu of telling you what I DIDN'T do today, I am going to take this moment to answer some FAQ from readers.

Q: Is it really that messy there? -JM, NY,NY

A: Define 'messy'.

Q: How do you stand it? -RM, DesMoines, IA

A: I stay focused on my screen and the rest just 'tunes out'.

Q: Were we separated at birth? - SB, Portland, OR

A: I doubt it, but ask your mom. My mom swears I am an only child.

Q: How do you live without doing laundry? -KT, OK City, OK

A: Victoria's Secret delivers (when I log off to call in an order).

Q: How do you get mushrooms out of a carpet? -RM, Trenton, NJ

A: Your guess is as good as mine! If you find out, email me!

Q: Have you ever skied out your front door? -JB, Seattle, WA

A: ??? No, but others have had 'curious' experiences on my front landing.

Q: How do you ever expect to date? -LF, San Diego, CA

A: I DON'T!

Q: How does Steph feel about all this? -MM, Chicago, IL

A: Can you say 'Dictatorship'? We'll find out when she turns 18 and moves!!

Well, that's it for now. Everyone, have a great weekend and I'll try to do the same!!

May 28

Hmmmnnn... as much as I would prefer to tell you what a lovely weekend I had with my collaborator (you'll have to go to his page to find that out), I think I should start by saying that maybe getting my keys back wasn't such a brilliant idea. There is something to be said for maid service, even if one can't find a damned thing afterwards!! Since I had Steph remove the garbage before she took off this weekend, I thought it would be a good idea to leave the windows open a bit to let the place air out. Suffice to say the carpet mushrooms are flourishing. A moldy smell has replaced the garbage aroma. The squishy feeling under my feet as I entered the home was not my favorite welcoming sound. I was hungry and I was pissed off when I got home. After 15 hours in the car and Bay Area holiday traffic, I was not at all happy to discover some jerk had parked in my parking space. The very space that has the word RESERVED painted in bold yellow letters on it, the very space under which the sign naming the towing company who tows violators hangs. Apparently I pay for a space for HIS convenience.

After trudging my belongings upstairs, stepping in wet carpet, setting up my PowerBook (OF COURSE I logged on, so what if it was after 3am?!) I went to the fridge. I think the radishes (well, what used to be the radishes) are living off a few less assertive things in the vegetable bin. I was still fuming about the jerk in my space. I had nowhere to park, so I parked right behind him. That should be inconvenient. Hmmnn.... as I thought about this I realized Jerky Boy would probably wake me up at 6am (or some other inconvenient hour) to let me know how rude I was to inconvenience him by blocking him in, so I got a flash of brilliance in the middle of the night.

I moved my car to the nearest space (which was about a block away) and searched around for my duct tape. Went back into the house. Removed my vegetable drawer from the fridge. I took the vegetable drawer and the duct tape down to the offending CLEAN WHITE Mercury Sable parked in my space and dumped the contents onto his hood. Since the radishes were trying to make an escape, I duct taped them and the rest of the contents of the drawer to the hood of his car. I did not skimp on the duct tape :) HEY! You know my credo...

May 29

Today was yet another day of playing 'catch up on email'. I have never been off-line for 4 days straight since I got jacked in and it was quite a different experience for me. Not that I wasn't on the computer, mind you, but I just didn't have any access. At least being at the keyboard, looking at the screen was a reasonable placebo. I never realized how much email I get until I had to read/respond to it all. OF COURSE I did not have any time to do anything domestic!! This may be a problem soon, as my collaborator is due here in a few weeks. Hmmnn.... I may have to just move to a different apartment for the summer and try to fake it.

In fact, as I thought about this (while trying to get out responses to email... I type 12wpm, so it gets a bit tedious) I decided to go up to NetScape to distract myself with some other stuff (news, other journals, etc...) and the damned NetScape 2.01 jammed up my system again. This ALWAYS happens!! I want my NetScape 1.1 back!! Completely frustrated, I started the reboot and went downstairs to check the mail. Is my tax refund check in yet? Noooo! Two VS catalogues (didn't I just order??), a Venus catalogue and my monthly Safeway coupon book. OOOoohh, look!! Bush's Best Baked beans are on sale this month!! My collaborator will be thrilled! :)

May 30 HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHARI!!

I got up really early this morning. It wasn't because my eyes or head were bothering me from the Drano residue under the sink, it was because today is my friend Shari's birthday and I wanted to call her early, back east, to wish her well on this day. I got my Filofax out of my briefcase and looked up her number. Hmmnn... the old address. I just saw her new address recently, I think it was in the kitchen paper pile (between the coffee pot and the wall, close to the sink). Nope. Well, that's another mess. I tried the paper pile over by Steph's computer... no luck. I scoured through the stuff on top of the TV (most of which is on the floor now), still no luck. This did not start out as a good day!! In frustration, I logged on.

Shortly afterwards, my pager went off. This is the only way the outside world can get in touch with me (IF I choose to log off to call back). It was my office. Apparently I needed to certify that some documents were 'true copies'. True copies? They were originals. I submitted them myself and even watched the clients sign the papers. WARNING: Rant about to follow! WHY is it that Lenders insist on blue ink signatures but give out black ink pens as promotional items???? See why I would rather be on-line??? Sheesh!!

May 31

This morning I was awakened by sunlight streaming into my bedroom. Of course I would have preferred to sleep later than 6:30am. It is rarely sunny here in the rainforest, but it is a welcome sign of summer. That was, until I walked down the hallway to the rest of the home and saw the true scope of the disaster area this place has become in all it's illuminated glory. Even coffee couldn't help. I have exactly two weeks to get this place presentable before my collaborator arrives. An ice cube has a better chance in Hell.

I decided to take a break from my depression and go down to the mailbox in hopes of finding my tax refund. DENIED. Instead there was... get this... a copy of Good Housekeeping. Very funny. Someone has sent me a gift subscription to this publication. I am not amused. I didn't even want to come back inside, except my PowerBook is in here. I have since relocated out on the terrace with the aid of the long cords. I have drawn the vertical blinds shut to keep from looking inside. Like Mom says, out of sight, out of mind. Denial is highly underrated.

Today started out early, like yesterday, and gorgeously sunny... and hot. The landscapers busily working away (a bit too early for my liking) made the sunshine seem like the lesser of two reasons to get out of bed. Something I recently noticed about the effect of heat on my apartment... it makes the place smell like a landfill. Excellent excuse to go down to the pool (especially since a certain nine year old, who will remain unnamed, greeted me this morning in her bathing suit. Hmmnnn... some hints don't require the benefit of coffee to be clear). We enjoyed a day at the pool, sunning, burning, wondering if I had email. Of course I had to come upstairs and check a few times. I considered going out on the terrace with the PowerBook to continue tanning since A) there is no cord long enough to reach the pool and B) the smell in here was getting overbearing. I went out onto the terrace and saw Mt Hood gleaming white in all it's glory against the azure sky.

A moment of silence, please for the observance of the Official End of the Ski Season. I went back downstairs to console myself with the Official Opening of Tanning Season. Unfortunately before I did, I read my collaborator's journal update. He will be here in 12 days. 12 DAYS!!! Oy vey... I was way too distracted down at the pool, which is no way to relax and tan. I gathered up my things and Stephanie and came back upstairs. Something had to be done.

I heard it as I approached the apartment; the jerk downstairs is obviously back from the hospital and had company over. For the occasion he decided to crank up his stereo. Hmmnn... he must be feeling emboldened by the presence of friends. I really wasn't in the mood, and quite honestly he made taking a moment of silence before retiring my skis to the storage closet impossible. Such blatant disrespect is intolerable!! Aside from the noise, I could smell his barbecue (gas grill) over the garbage aroma. HOW DARE he invade my space!! I picked up my skis and headed out to the storage closet on the terrace, pissed off that the ceremony was defiled by such rude and inconsiderate behavior. What happened next was quite a surprise...

I opened my storage closet door and all sorts of stuff came tumbling out! SO THIS is where everything went when my house was cleaned!!! Egged on by the blaring Fleetwood Mac on his stereo (didn't I hear enough of this in the 70s???) I lost it. I started throwing the stuff over the side of the terrace onto the unsuspecting idiots below. I didn't care. I got by without this stuff for two months and I didn't need it now. I needed to make room for my skis, AND make a point!!! I think they took cover at first, but then they all came out from the patio and started screaming up at me, joined in by the landscaper who came running from down the way to ask what I 'thought' I was doing. I told them I was making room for my skis. Jerky Boy from downstairs said "Can't you see I'm trying to have a barbecue here?" I replied "Yes, can't you tell I am tired of your inconsiderate 'Center of the Universe' attitude?" The landscaper chimed in "What about all this crap on the lawn?" I said "what about it?" He asked who was going to move it. Hmmnnn... I looked at him as though I was deep in thought and said "You know, I am a suffering from sleep deprivation right now, being that I was awakened by a LAWNMOWER at 7am, but my first instinct is to tell you that I don't do lawns!! I came back in and logged on, ignoring the ringing doorbell :)

June 2

Yet another sunny day in the rainforest. I am getting a nice tan being out. At least, I did yesterday. This morning it was business as usual; wake up, make coffee, log on, read email/newsgroups, etc... you know the drill. By 9am it was getting hot and 'aromatic' in the apartment, and the appearance of the 9 year old in a swimsuit clutching her Fun Noodle (why didn't they have things like this when I was a kid???) told me all I needed to know: my moments on-line were numbered. Accepting my fate, I logged off and put on my swimsuit.

What's THIS??? Apparently the genius downstairs (and I use the term very loosely!) decided that he and his buddies would cart all the stuff I threw down at them yesterday back up to my apartment and leave it on the landing at my front door!! They tried to pile it against the door so it would fall into the apartment when I opened the door and, for the most part, were successful. Jerky Boy must have hit his head just a little too hard when I blew him off the landing with my stereo a few weeks ago because he forgot one basic rule: What goes up MUST come down!! It took Steph and I about 10 minutes to kick all this stuff through the railing and off my landing ending up... you guessed it!! In front of his door. Maybe THIS time he'll get the clue that it goes in the dumpster!! Sheesh! Some people just don't know when to quit. I can't wait until my collaborator gets here. He has 'experience' with inconsiderate neighbors!!

June 3

I am getting too old for my own life (I have been 23 for a VERY long time). I went down to the mailbox to see if the damned tax refund check had arrived yet (of course not! Apparently the State thinks I am 'contributing' to something or other and I don't need the money. Yeah, I love being rich and benevolent!!). On my way back from the mailbox one of my neighbors told me my brake lights were out. I said "No, the car is just dirty" and he insisted that he was following me in the other night and they flat out didn't work. To prove my point, I wiped off the taillights, got in the car and hit the brakes. He was right. My brake lights ARE out. Dammit. Of course it is not the fuse, it's the switch. I drive over to GI Joe's to get a new switch. Denied!! I go over to Schucks Auto Supply... same story. Baxter Auto Parts... they can get one for me tomorrow. What, is there a run on brake light switches this week?? Sheesh!!

June 4

After the extended log off (risking my life to get a damned elusive switch) I got back on-line and NetScape kept crashing or locking up my screen or 'failing' in the middle of some process. UGH!!!! I was so frustrated that I decided to load some new software onto my computer. For other people this means insert disk, click on icon, done. Don't ask me what happened, because I can't tell you. Suffice to say that I did not get back on-line last night, did not get any sleep and I am not in a really good mood. At least I am back on-line, but not for long.

My neighbor Kim just came by to ask if I wanted to go pick up 'that part' (the switch) and handed me something that was taped to my door. It is a complaint and a notice of inspection. Uh-oh!! Jerky Boy lodged a complaint about "The shower of garbage" (I have a copy of the letter) and they are wanting to 'talk' to me about the run in with the Landscaper. All this and they are asking for a 'routine inspection' of the place. Dammit!! I think I threw my wading boots off the terrace the other day! I'm going to need them I think.... looks like I am 'in deep'. YIKES!

June 5

My last thin nerve is shot. It has been HOURS since I have been logged on or even within close proximity to anything with a keyboard! Today was Stephanie's last class field trip, and I was one of the Volunteer Parents. In one respect this is good, because yesterday when I went to the apt. mgmt office, I told them I was busy for today and a few more days and the 'inspection' couldn't happen immediately. Said inspection will happen Tuesday. Small reprieve. I am wondering if it is worth the price I paid though. In fact, I am sure it is not.

First, we loaded onto a bus (yep, the big yellow variety) to go to Benihana. The 3rd grade is studying Japan these days, so this was part of a 'theme'. WORD OF WARNING: NEVER arm 35 3rd graders with chopsticks when they outnumber adults 6:1!!! I felt the headache coming on. Next we got back onto the bus (I am positive this is the mode of transportation used to get to the Gates of Hell) on to the Japanese Gardens. Portland has some of the most beautiful tranquil gardens I have seen. That is, sans screaming 3rd graders. At the entrance we were warned that this is a tranquil place, everyone was expected to act peaceful. HELLO!!! Ask a 3rd grader what 'Peaceful' means and they will answer 'No Fighting'. Did I recuperate from the life threatening experience in Benihana?? Nooooo!! I tried though. To no avail, as it was back on the bus afterwards for a few rounds of 'In the Cabin'. JOY!!

As I was returning home from this experience I was headed off at the pass by my neighbor Kim. She asked me to accompany her to the store. Seemed innocent enough, until I got in her car. I was overwhelmed by the scent of cleaning agents. She told me she had just cleaned her car. "Smells so fresh, huh?" she asked. I was about to pass out, and my head was pounding. Did it stop there? Uh-un. She 'offered' to let me borrow a ton of this stuff to clean my place "since you're going to have company in a week and don't want to scare him off". SCARE HIM OFF?? Sheesh!! I got boondoggled into a barbecue at her place (which was fine since I don't have any clean dishes anyway) but my headache persisted. It was then I realized I had not been logged on or near my computer in 12 hours... UNHEARD OF!! Even in the car on long trips I have it sitting on the passenger seat plugged into the lighter!! I am feeling much better now, away from the smell of cleaning agents and caressing my sweet PowerBook with my fingertips!!

June 6

Today was a borderline sweltering day. I had work (I hate that word!!) to do this morning so off I was in the car (which, thank heavens, is air conditioned!). The bad news is I came home to log on and the landfill was in full aromatic glory. YIKES!! There is not enough room freshener to counter this effect. I have about 4 days to get rid of this somehow before the 'inspection'. But that's anytime in the near future.

Today is my half-birthday. I am 23 1/2 (again) today. Of course I had to celebrate!! Steph and I went down to the pool and stayed there until the sun went down (hey, I have 4 battery packs, fully charged!!). I didn't get to log on, but at least I had my PowerBook right there with me, carefully wrapped in Saran Wrap. One can never be too careful at a pool. I now have a very odd square spot where I didn't tan on my thighs, but who cares?? In honor of my half birthday (or maybe just due to a temporary psychosis) my collaborator celebrated with Lime Away Day. Hmmnn... this might just work out really well this summer! Too bad I can't put off the 'inspection' until after he arrives!!

June 7

Today was a very weird day. I'll spare you the boring details of the events of the day except the pertinent ones. First, Steph gets up and says "I can't wait to go to the ranch. Horse stalls smell better than this!" For that I made her carry a bag of garbage out to the dumpster. One down, Oh, who's counting??? Anyway, after I log off (I have to go to work occasionally) I get a phone call from some carpet cleaning company. ??? I ask if they move things to clean, they say that's up to me. So what's the point??

I go to the mailbox, two VS catalogues, no tax refund check. It was three months at 5/27, what's taking so long??? Then, I log on and read my collaborator's journal. He has been doing quite a bit of cleaning lately, with instructions!! Is this some sort of message?? Hmmnnn... me, I'm logged on with no intentions of cleaning anything, at least for three more days!! I wonder what they are going to 'inspect' anyway???

June 8

OK, three days and counting until 'inspection'. The sun was out, it was gorgeous!! I took the Saran Wrapped PowerBook (and 4 battery paks) down to the pool with me and laid out to tan. I figured I'd come upstairs to (UGH!) start cleaning when I ran out of power. HA! I ran out of SUN first!! Still, the inevitable was at hand. I packed up my stuff and headed towards home.

Saved by the bell!! Just as I walked through the door (damned near tripping over a bunch of shoes... where DID all those shoes come from??) the phone rang. It was my ol' buddy, The Gish!! He called to invite me over for dinner. I told him I'd love to, but I had to clean. I am NOT making this up... he said "CLEAN? Are you KIDDING??? It didn't take him but a few moments to convince me that I could do this all tomorrow, so off I went :)

June 9

This morning was one of those typical Oregon mornings. Sunny very early. I thought about the pending cleaning and decided to go down to the pool to work on my tan again (HEY! It takes a while to cultivate a good tan!). I was not looking forward to the 'other' task at hand. Off I went to the pool, PowerBook, power paks, towel and lotion in hand. This did not last long. The clouds were not cooperating. It would seem that the Sinister Force has arrived ahead of my collaborator to make my life a little less sunny and brought some showers with him. My neighbor Katie and I sat under the lounge umbrella as the downpour rolled in. As other neighbors scurried by to get out of the rain, some of them asked if we didn't have anything better to do. Hmmnn... nope! Not that I can think of!! As the sky cleared up, one of the leasing agents came by to 'remind' me of my 'inspection' Tuesday. Killjoy!!

I came home shortly afterwards. At 58f, it was a bit chilly to be sitting around in a swimsuit. Denial may be underrated, but it does nothing for goosebumps. As I entered the house, I tripped over some killer shoes congregating by the front door again. I know I kicked these away from the door yesterday! Hmmnnn... that made me think. I grabbed the box of garbage bags under the kitchen sink and just started filling them with everything I could get my hands on. Shoes, Domino's boxes, mail (probably current bills, but who cares?), Steph's stuff laying around, phone books, you name it!! The entire process took me about half an hour, but there is nothing left, except 14 bags by the front door. Hey! it's raining out! Steph can take all this stuff down tomorrow when she gets back from school!! She may even be pleasantly surprised when she returns from her weekend in Seattle with her Dad. That is, until she starts looking for things...

June 10

Well, it's down to the wire here. 'Inspection' is tomorrow. Steph was not at all pleased to walk in to 14 bags of garbage to be taken to the dumpster. At least it wasn't raining. It took her about 20 minutes to get this chore finished, and when it was done, she plopped down on the couch. Me? I'm webbing away (as usual). Then Steph asks "Mom, what's that?" There was a shadow in the blinds that looked somewhat like ET's head. Since I live on the second floor, this made me get up and check out the situation.

I go out onto the terrace. There is bright pink (neon) spray paint leading to my terrace in a straight line. I can't see anything else, so I go out the front door. The line continues from the middle of my living room window all the way down the yard, and there is a surveyor in the bushes below hammering a stake in the ground right below my landing; his surveying tool was what we saw casting the shadow, having just been fully extended. "What are you doing?" I ask. "Making marks for where the road is going to be widened to" he replied. EXCUSE ME??? This 'road' is about to go through my living room/terrace!! So why should I clean if they are going to bulldoze the place ANYWAY??? I wish I had known this yesterday!!!!

June 11 (D-DAY)

Today was an all-round crappy day. I'll spare you the rant about work, suffice to say I can't WAIT until I retire. As if the crap du jour wasn't enough, I get home to the 'Management' just heading over to my place. Joy. Without a moment to unwind, I have to deal with this... OK, here we go...

I open the door and we all (me, the mgr., and the new maint. guy) walk in. I drop the briefcase in the corner as though everything is 'situation normal'. I turn around to ask what they want to 'inspect' first to see the horror-stricken manager turn three shades of green in front of my eyes. "Are you feeling OK?" I ask, seemingly concerned. The maintenance guy just peels off his cap and starts scratching his head in a Goober-like fashion. I doubt it was the sight; it must have been the smell. The manager refused to come in any further. She said to the maintenance guy "I'll be in the office writing up the 72 hour notice, you make a list of all the damage."

I said "EXCUSE ME???" Mind you, I had taken about all the crap off random A**holes I was going to take today, so this was the straw that broke the camels back for me. She said "You're outta here ASAP" and I replied "I don't think so, Stella. You might have noticed the bright pink markers down below me?? YOU got me to sign a one year lease KNOWING that a road is going through my living room in less than a year, my attorney might like to know why you failed to mention that. I might ALSO point out that since this place is going to be bulldozed in a year, it would be POINTLESS to put any money into refurbishing it while I am more than happy to pay the rent on this space. Shall I have MY attorney (naming Portland's biggest litigation guru) call YOUR attorney in the morning?" Her reply, running down my stairs was "We'll see about that!" I unpacked my powerbook and logged on while the maintenance guy was still here trying to write up the 'damages' (refrigerator, stove, floor, carpet, et al...). It was about 6 minutes later that his walkie talkie went off (nothing but the latest technology goin' on here!!) and I could hear the manager say "Forget the inspection". I tried not to grin as he let himself out :)

June 12

And I thought yesterday was bad!! Today was one of those days when I thought that, if I were armed, I would have gone 'Postal'. No kidding!! I almost quit my job (even though I am self-employed) and told all my clients and everyone ELSE who called to shove it!! I was on the damned phone all day, I swear ALL DAY and did not get a chance to get on-line until 8pm, and then for only 5 minutes! I had to feed the kid...

The only bright spot in my day was that I stormed out of the house after a particularly distressing phone call to go to the mailbox. Wedged between a Venus catalogue and a Victoria's Secret Summer Sale catalogue was... TA DA... MY TAX REFUND CHECK!!! Almost 4 months after I filed... Sheesh! I came back upstairs to a ringing phone. My elevated mood was immediately shattered. I swear I would have rather been scrubbing my bathroom with a toothbrush... Well, no, I would have rather been on-line!

June 13

There comes a time when all good things must come to pass. Steph found this out today. I have had one of those weeks where, for every good thing that has happened, two bad things seem to accompany it. Take the tax refund check, with it came my semi-annual insurance bill and an on-line invoice for my next six months access. Joy. Today, being the fourth day in a row of not nice situations, was about the last straw. I tried to find the good in the day, really I did. This was the second to last day of school for Steph, and tonight there was an 'Open House' at school. No way I was getting out of this as Steph had a part in the play being presented, so off we went.

Just when I thought I would get out of there with my last thin nerve, I was detoured off to the classroom for 'Socializing'. Much to my chagrin, I discovered that Steph had Gig-Neglected on not cleaning her desk out (understandable). As I was helping her clear it out, I discovered a whole handful of 'tickets'. These are disciplinary warning notices. I also found today's undone homework, which she 'mislead' me to believe was done. I was not pleased. Not in the least. Since she is boarding a plane tomorrow to meet her Dad in CA to go to Disneyland (something I feel was unearned after seeing that fistful of 'tickets') I had to act fast.

Thanks to JT (a reader who said "... I have four little slaves, er, children...") I got an idea for the perfect punishment. YEP! Steph is cleaning, really cleaning the house before she leaves tomorrow! That's right! No swimming pool tonight, she is dusting, vacuuming, locating and washing all the dishes, doing laundry and taking out the remaining garbage. If it is still light out when she is done, she will also scrub the kitchen floor. Can you say Cinderella? She had better hope she goes to 'The Ball' (read: Disneyland) before I get that report card on Tuesday!!! Hmmmnnn.... maybe it hasn't been such a bad day. After all, I am unwinding on-line while my home is being cleaned for me!!

June 14

This is how my day started: I went into Steph's room to help her pack up for her big trip before going to school. The plan was to go to Cindy's on the way to the airport to waste some time before Steph's flight left. I found a huge pile of stuff under her bed. I was not pleased, as this was not how I expected her to clean her room before she left (DO as I say, not as I do.... didn't you hate when your parents said that?). My normally 'sunny' disposition started out with a big cloud in it!

Maybe I just didn't get enough access today. When we got to Cindy's I was in the kitchen helping her cut some veggies for dinner when I overheard the kids talking in the hot tub through the window. Steph was telling one of them that even though she blew off the last week of school, she was headed for Disneyland anyway, after all, the tickets were paid for and it was too late to do anything about it. I got to thinking...

I gathered up a bowl of the sliced potatoes, carrots and celery and went out to the hot tub. I asked the kids how the water was. Steph replied "We're boiling!" I said "Good" with a grimace on my face and flung the vegetables into the hot tub with them. They shrieked and leaped out of the hot tub in a flash. I laughed like a madwoman!! Cindy, on the other hand, was a madwoman. I got the kids to take the veggies out after I calmed them down. :)

June 15

Well, after all the excitement last night I returned home from the airport and logged on. It wasn't until this morning that I realized just how quiet it is around here without Steph. Hmmnnn... it is going to be this way for a while. Well, not really, as my collaborator is due in late tomorrow night for a visit. Then again, he doesn't talk much. I was thinking I should be somewhat hospitable and clear a space for him to play Windows Solitaire. At least he doesn't need my phone line for that...

Of course, I have until tomorrow night before I have to think about where he might sit to do this. The dining room table is sort of 'mine'. The living room is really 'out of bounds' with the carpet molding into God-Knows-What. As the sun got brighter and the apartment got hotter, I noticed the distinct aroma rising from the swamp (living room). I decided I should boil some potpourri to take the 'edge' off the landfill. Since I was logged on, I sort of 'forgot' about it until the smoke alarm went off. Yep, burned another pot. Good thing my collaborator eats baked beans from the can!!

June 16

Da Monk is in Da House!! Well, he was... I did not do very much today in anticipation of my collaborator's arrival. One of my on-line neighbors stopped by to give me some Amish Friendship Bread batter. This looks like it is going to be trouble. I am supposed to knead it in the bag for the next four days, then there are instructions. I put the instructions on the refrigerator (using a handy magnet) and logged back on.

It was late when my collaborator finally arrived. It was also a very short visit. The dark of night and the potpourri did not help; he was horrified by the sight/smell of my home!! So much so that he and his belongings went back downstairs and slept in the six-four. Hmmnn... maybe he will tire of sleeping in the car soon....

June 17

Well, it was not too early that I was awakened by the sound of my doorbell going off. My collaborator was standing there with an industrial sized container of Lime Away, all sorts of brushes, sponges, cleaners and (get this) one of those painting masks on his face. I guess he was expecting to come across some sort of toxic fumes. I think there was a smile on his face, at least I would like to think so :)

I think that he was overwhelmed by about 3pm. He sort of passed out on the front steps, just outside. He had plugged those Plug-Ins air fresheners into every outlet in the house (except, of course, the one the PowerBook is plugged into) and then went back down to the six-four for a while. Geez, it has been about 4 hours... wonder what he is doing??

June 18

Well, after a while I started getting 'concerned'. It WAS getting cold out. That, and he IS my guest. I mean, I did invite him up here, and not to sleep in the six-four. Sure, it's an option, but not one I thought would be necessary. Anyway, I went downstairs and sure enough, there he was curled up under his monk robes in the front seat. He was adamant about coming back into the house. I convinced him that I was concerned and we settled on him conceding to sleeping out on the terrace.

This morning when I woke up he was already in the kitchen on the floor scrubbing away. This made getting to the coffee pot rather inconvenient. I decided to just come to the Habit and log on. After all, I need coffee and access first thing in the morning, not Felix Unger. This is going to be a long summer!!!

June 19

When I finally returned from the Habit yesterday I barely recognized the place. Sure, it still looked the same in many ways, but the smell was distinctly different. There was no smell. No odor, no stench, no cleaning agents, no sterile smell. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Interesting. My collaborator was sitting out on the terrace. He seems to like it out there. I was out on the terrace trying to coax him inside for a cup of coffee when we both heard this sort of 'explosion'. We came in to discover that bag of batter my neighbor gave me had fermented and exploded all over the freshly cleaned kitchen. My collaborator looked at me and said three words... "The Sinister Force". I had to agree...

June 20

The collaborator and I have been coming to terms with some 'issues'. It all came to a head last night when the batter exploded. It seems he wanted it picked up immediately (since he had just cleaned the kitchen) and I could care less one way or another. OK, so he goes into a rage... it's not like he can do anything! Just as he was beginning his rant, I slammed a cupboard door. That got him! He wasn't sure whether to calm down or just snap my neck, but due to his puniness, he opted to just storm out of the kitchen and try to log on. Ahem...

Houston, we have a problem!! The monk's modem pool will not allow him to connect, so he needs to Telnet from my account. From MY account??? Well, maybe after we have a little change of attitude, eh?? I am hoping that the summer nerves calm down here soon. After all, we wrote a book together, we are friends. I am sure this is all due to lack of access, but we have to maintain some semblance of civility. That or we are removing the Long Distance Access Block from Stephanie's phone! Well, as soon as we can find her phone... don't think we didn't look for it!!

June 21

Well, today was more of a 'Give and Take' day. We decided to save our sanity and our friendship by getting out of the house. We went to Powell's Bookstore to look for some publishing info. The Monk thought that Powell's was pretty big (well, it IS the largest bookstore in the US!) and a far cry from the Barnes & Noble he is used to. Then we went to the gym.

The entire time I wanted to check my email. Well, really I wanted a cigarette. After 24 years of smoking, I quit (abruptly) Sunday. Thus the sunny disposition :) I will say that I did get rid of all the ashtrays around the house before the monk arrived. That is about ALL the cleaning I did. Well, when I finally got back home from the gym (a place I should never be, but it looks like I am going to be forcibly reformed here) I logged on only to discover that MY mailbox was full of mail for my collaborator!! SHEESH!! Feeling beaten, downtrodden and nicotine deficient, I logged on so he could telnet to his account to update HIS journal while I went into my room to sulk. HEY!! We're talking about MY ACCESS!!! And NO! I am not about to clean anything while I have to be off-line! Sulking suits me JUST fine!!!

June 22

Well, having sulked all I was going to, I emerged from my room this morning and logged on. Hmmnn.... two emails for me. It was going to be a slow computer day, I could tell. My new 'roommate' and I had to talk about some things; namely, he is a neat person (much like I used to be) and I am not (at least, not anymore). There must be a middle ground. We decided to separate 'chores' I cook, he cleans. This seemed to work out just fine since dinner tonight was going to be a couple of boiled artichokes and some baked brie. Well, it turned out when I finally got access I forgot all about the brie!! This sharing the computer thing has GOT to stop!!

For the time being it is all mine, as the monk is busily scraping away at the burned-on brie at the bottom of the stove. He seems to enjoy this sort of stuff, which is fine with me. I have been reprimanded for not having any Lime Away on hand. This just in... I need a new Scotch Brite scrub sponge. Hmmnn...

June 23

Well, we weren't satisfied with the artichokes last night, so around 10pm we also celebrated the Festival of the Baked Beans. This was fine with me since they are eaten cold out of the can. I didn't even need to warm them up!! After the baked beans it was time to go to bed (SysMaint always wrecks my SAT nite).

Somewhere in the middle of the night I was awakened by a loud crash. It seemed to have come from the bathroom, so I went to check. Sure enough, it was a loud crash all right... I am not too sure what happened, all I know is I found my collaborator in the tub with the shower curtain and rod in the tub with him. He seemed a bit dazed. I think he hit his head a bit hard in the fall as well. I can't say for sure, but he seems a bit 'different' today. Hmmnn.... It did not bother me to leave the shower curtain and rod in the shower (hey, it's not my bathroom!), nor did it seem to bother him either. He declared that he would shower at the gym for the rest of the summer. Wassup wi'dat???

June 24

Today was an interesting day of sorts. It rained on and off (typical for June here in the rainforest). This kept my collaborator from going out to wash his car (the infamous Six-Four). He became restless, I guess because he couldn't do what he wanted to (his usual response would be to lapse into a coma). We already know how I feel about washing the car. I didn't want to say anything when he purchased the 50 ft hose 'to make it easier' to wash my car. On the advice of readers, I am trying to be considerate of his feelings.

Since the restlessness was starting to get on my nerves I was almost pleased when he asked where the vacuum cleaner was. Last time I saw it (that was.... September??) it was in the hall closet. He did not find it there. Since I really don't care if the place gets vacuumed, I didn't really feel like getting up from my PowerBook to go 'In Search Of' the vacuum cleaner. I think he could tell this from my tone because he decided to go into seclusion in the hall closet. We are not getting very much editing done on the book this way!!!

June 25

Well, the rain subsided and my collaborator came out of the hall closet seemingly renewed. After a day of sitting opposite each other facing our notebook computers (I actually cleared a space for him at the other side of the table so we could just exchange the phone cord for the modems, but that was before we discovered he could not dial in access to his acct long distance. He has since 'staked a claim' to that spot), we decided we were hungry. He noted that we were out of Bush's Baked Beans, so off to Safeway we went to restock.

The rest is a bit foggy. The last thing I remember is that we were in Safeway, at the back of the store and I was looking down trying to rearrange the items in the handbasket. I was not paying attention to where I was going, just keeping the monk's shoes in my range as I arranged and followed. He had walked me right down to the center of the laundry detergent aisle. I was suddenly overcome by the smell of cleaning agents! Apparently I passed out, because next thing I knew it was this morning and I was in my own bed, with a huge bump on the back of my head and a headache.

June 26

So, head pounding, when I finally got out of bed I noticed it was incredibly sunny (so sunny I might as well have been hung over!). I ate one of the last bagels and logged on. Email really piles up when I haven't logged on for a while!! It was late afternoon when I realized I was hungry. My collaborator came in from I am not sure where and suggested we go to Safeway again (carefully pointing out that he will be more conscious of the cleaning agents aisle in the future). Leery (but hungry) I agreed to go along.

Well, this was a plot to get me to notice that he washed my car!! Only the outside, as he could not get inside, but you can actually tell what color it is!! It is silver, and it looks silver, not grey (the way it usually looks when I am forced to 'wash' it). We headed off to Safeway and stocked up on the baked beans, bagels and more yogurt (my collaborator has me on a diet, but that is another story...). We carefully avoided the cleaning agents aisle, and rightly so. My head is still pounding!!

June 27

Most of today was a quiet and uneventful day at the computer. My favorite kind of day. Later this evening, my collaborator noticed the baggie full of 'dough' sitting on the kitchen counter (yes, the very same one that exploded a few days ago. I saved the remaining 1/2 of the starter dough for reasons I can't explain, except that it was 'easier' that way). Anyway, he noted that it was fermented again (read: about to explode again) and suggested that we 'make' the bread. In an effort to comply with our concerned readers (who write in with advice) I agreed to log off and make the bread.

What a fiasco!!! We started mixing the ingredients only to discover that I was lacking a few necessary items, one cup of oil being one of them. In a fit of resourcefulness I decided to melt shortening in the microwave. Seemed like an OK idea. It worked. That is, until we had to dispose of the excess melted shortening. I made the mistake of touching it. WARNING! This stuff does not come off!! I mean, it is on my bowls, my faucets, my cabinets and drawers, on everything under my kitchen sink, YOU NAME IT!!! My collaborator tried everything except touching me to get this off my hands (since I was touching everything he had cleaned a few days ago) and squirted about half of a bottle of dish soap on my hands as well as trying to get the dishrag he was using as a shield between us to peel off my hands with some 409 cleaner. After an hour of this he suggested I discard the shortening. I had to agree. As he was reviewing the container he pointed out boldface printing which read Digestible. HELLO!!! I don't think so, unless you are downing a quart of Mr Clean with it!! Sheesh!!

June 28

I have noticed something about my collaborator that is quite curious. He recycles. To an extreme. Now mind you, I recycle as well, but in a different sort of way; I reuse things until they can't be reused anymore. to me, that is the first step in recycling. Not the monk! (Clarification: this may be a bit late, but for all my 'usual' readers, my collaborator is a monk. This makes for a very interesting living arrangement, to say the least). He recycles EVERYTHING!! I mean, he has the plastics codes memorized! He removes the windows from envelopes before putting the discarded envelope into the mixed paper bin! Me, I reuse the same paper plate twice and I call it recycled... Sheesh!

Anyway, today was sort of the 'address the issue of trash' day. It was because of two things; first, the smell (it lingers). Second, there is a new mess in my kitchen now. Not like the old days when I merely tossed whatever into the general direction of the trash can under the sink and shut the door. Oh no. Now we have six separate piles of paper, plastics, tin, steel, aluminum, and glass. Joy. I have no counter space anymore since this new 'recycling' thing started. I mean, can't we just shove it all under the sink again and take it out whenever???? Not that I go into the kitchen much mind you, but now I really don't WANT to!!!

June 29 (in retrospect)

For all my faithful fans who have been wondering where I have been, I have been right here. Freaking out, but right here. My modem was hosed (a technical term I am told) and I could not get on-line. Three, count 'em, three days!!! Oy Vey! When the PERL Wizard finally showed up to help me, it was almost too late. I mean, well, I am recapping a few days here for you...

Friday night I couldn't connect. I had already updated my page, but I couldn't check email or access other things. The hot tub helped to smooth my ruffled feathers. Until Saturday... When I woke up, of course the first thing I did was try to log on. I had email to check, I was sure. Damned if I could log on though! Nope, not this time. Since it was sunny I decided to take the ol' PowerBook for a walk down to the pool to work on a 'project'. Saran Wrap is a beautiful thing. When I came back upstairs hours later (with a killer tan :) I was still unable to log on. Now I was getting testy. The Monk suggested the gym as a distraction. Yeah, I was working it out alright... AUGH!!!

June 30

Just when I am hoping things will get better... I leap out of bed this morning and run into the dining room hoping to log on. Of course this racket wakes up my houseguest (who sleeps on the pull-out couch). Well, actually, the racket that woke him up was me screaming bloody murder that I couldn't get on-line. I am sure it was quite appalling to the monk to hear expletives strung like pearls come spewing out of my mouth like a constant flow of raw sewerage. He did his best to calm me (READ: Left for a half hour while I cooled off).

He suggested a touristy thing, so I took him to Multnomah Falls. I was out of the house all day, and actually had a good time. Not that I was really willing to admit it, because halfway up the hike I wondered out loud how much email I had waiting for me. Later in the hike, I stopped us on a beautiful trail and said "That's it! We have to go back and get me on-line!!" and turned us around. Yep, we came home. Nope, no access. I was bummed. The Monk suggested (in his quiet tone) the Gym. He was thinking alright, because I needed to get out of the house. Every attempt to get the computer working was not happening. The monk, self-proclaimed computer nerd, diagnosed a modem problem. Off we went to the gym and then the Town Annual Event. Though we had a wonderful time, I was pining away for my access. My collaborator felt this was a healthy break. I felt like I needed a cigarette more and more. Hmmnn...

©1996 Loredana Olson