Domestic Duties I Am Neglecting As I Surf

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Some would say I am addicted. My friends and neighbors are threatening an InterNet Intervention I know that one day some people will come to my door and pry my fingers from the PowerBook but until then, here I am.

My home used to be immaculately maintained; I was likened to Donna Stone (from the old Donna Reed Show...don't you have Nickelodeon?? Nick At Night puts on all these great re-runs, but who has time for TV?). Ever since I got jacked in that's all changed. Not like the Munster's house, but it's getting there.

Here is a list of stuff I neglect regularly (my Aunt Marie would cringe if she saw this list!!);

1) The top of the refrigerator (I'm 5'2", I never see it). You would write your name in the dust up there (I'm sure!).

2) The Storage Closet. Christmas is coming, 'nuff said!

3) The Paper Pile (this is my current filing system... it lives between the wall and the coffee maker and gets attended to when things start falling in the sink). Soon to be addressed since my Christmas cards need to go out this month.

4) Stephanie's Room... I just shut the door!!!

5) The Car (it's a gig, but I neglect it!!)

I could always be doing these things but I choose not to. I have other daily things I could be doing but hey! I'm busy working on this page!! It doesn't matter that you could stick to my kitchen floor and have to wait for a rescue team to pry you off of it!!! I don't surf in the kitchen anyway!!! I have no intention of scaring the carpets with the vacuum today either. Nope, the dead leaves from the plants (I have not watered) bring autumn inside!! It's a seasonal motif!!

Nov.11

Today I am neglecting the bathrooms. Saturday is my usual clean the bathrooms day (I have two of them). A little toothpaste build-up in the sinks never killed anyone (at least, not to my knowledge).

I am also refusing to dust. Why? Because I am at the Habit and I can't dust my house from here!!! Don't count on me doing this when I finally make it home either.

And no, I won't be cleaning the oven, straightening the linen closet or putting away the clean laundry folded on top of the dryer either. Just because!!! I take gig-neglecting SERIOUSLY!

Nov. 12

Earlier I dropped a diamond earring in my bathroom sink. It would have gone down the drain had it not stuck in some old toothpaste there. I am really glad I did not clean the bathrooms yesterday!!! Heck, after saving an earring, I may NEVER clean out my sinks again!!!

I had to take two friends to the airport today. The peanut gallery in the back seat commented that "this was great practice for anyone wanting to become a hunchback" (referring to all the stuff in the back seat causing him to hunch over his luggage). My response? "Which is easier, clean my car for me or call a cab?!" I am becoming accustomed to the mobile entropy that is my car. Hey, I can't drive from the back seat anyway...now I know what my mom was talking about when she said "Out of sight, out of mind" :)

Nov. 13

I haven't washed dishes in a while. I am going to have to eat on paper plates. UGH!! I am out of paper plates, I'll have to go to the store and get more...Damn! No way...I'd have to log off to do that. Fortunately I got this really awesome Baked Beans recipe off the Net a short while ago that doesn't require any dishes! Whew!!

Bad news is, the store is looking more and more like a must do project in spite of my efforts to stay logged on. I am out of incense and potpourri and the garbage is making its presence known. I will take it out when it stops raining (that will be about July here). Maybe I can find a good paper plate in there....hey! When you get as familiar with your garbage as I do recycling becomes second nature!!

Nov. 14

I was just sitting here minding my own business when I heard a crash in the kitchen. I went to inspect the situation and a whole bunch of stuff fell off the shelf above the washer onto the floor. Nothing broke, no big deal, I'll get around to picking it up someday I'm sure.

The annoying part of all of this is that one of my socks stuck to the kitchen floor. I had to pull my foot out of it and hop out of the kitchen to get another sock for my right foot. I know better than to go in the kitchen without socks on (for situations just like this). Fortunately this incident occurred right in front of the kitchen sink, so I poured some hot water on it in hopes of loosening it up and rescuing my sock sometime soon. Well, not too soon (as I am already back on-line!!)...

Nov. 15

I think I may have waited a little too long on the sock rescue project; it appears to have permanently cemented itself to the kitchen floor. I tripped over it this morning on my way to the dryer to get some clean clothes (yes, on occasion I do laundry, but don't ask me to fold it!). I was carrying a cup of coffee at the time and when I tripped over the sock the coffee splattered all over the wall. Jackson Pollack would be proud.

NO WAY am I washing it off!! I consider it art. It is beginning to grow on me... I wonder what will grow on it? Maybe something similar to what is growing in the bottom drawer of my refrigerator (and you thought I didn't have a green thumb...HA!!).

Nov. 16

I can't keep this to myself. Last night I went to a friend's house and on my way home I got pulled over by the local police. I asked why I was pulled over and he said because I was driving without lights. "On the contrary!" I responded (knowing I had the lights on). I grabbed a handy burger bag from the back seat, jumped out of the car and wiped the dirt from both headlights and taillights, proving that they were indeed on. The officer was so pissed off he said "Lady, I wish I could ticket you for having such a filthy car" and walked away disgusted. Hmmn, the nerve of him!

See why I save all that stuff in the back seat?? You never know when an emergency (such as this) will arise...one should always be prepared!! I don't care WHAT the passengers in the back seat say from now on, there's public transportation available in this town if they don't like my preparedness measures!!!

Nov. 17

I was chipping away at the sock on the kitchen floor earlier when my daughter came in and asked for a snack (she has taken to feeding herself these days and often walks past me going tsk tsk). Being the good mother that I am (used to be?) I suggested some grapes as a healthy and nutritious snack. The sock was not about to budge and I was chipping it off the floor (well, OK, the sock wasn't moving but the linoleum was chipping away) when Stephanie said "Mom?...They're MOVING!!" I asked what she was talking about and she told me to look in the drawer...sure enough!! The science project that used to be fuzzy in the vegetable drawer in the refrigerator was now moving, albeit slowly, but moving nonetheless!!! Steph has chosen to spend the night at a friend's house tonight until I can get rid of the thing in the fridge.

Time for a change of perspective I say. We needed a pet around the house anyway... As attached to the crickets as I have become, they won't last forever (although they do seem to be multiplying!!!). Maybe I can even get a Nobel Prize for creating life; the first true example of spontaneous generation ever recorded!!! Nah...I'll just keep it as a pet... God Forbid I log off to inform any interested parties via telephone!!! I have more water soaking the sock...maybe it will be looser tomorrow. I have mail to read...

Nov. 18

Water does not seem to be the answer to loosening the sock from the kitchen floor. I had to resort to the hammer and butter knife as chisel method. It worked, in a sense. The sock is off the floor. So is about 4" of linoleum. Oh well. I have other socks. I got the strange feeling some one (or something) was laughing at me while I was chipping away at the sock....it seemed like a muffled chuckle coming from the refrigerator...

OK, truth is I just ripped the sock (and the linoleum) off the floor..I didn't have all day to chip away, I have mail to read and updates to post!! My daughter came back home with a friend (they pointed to me and whispered back and forth shaking their heads) and went straight to her room. After a while I noticed it was unusually quite (a major warning sign to mothers everywhere!!) so I left the PowerBook briefly to inspect. Steph's door was closed (it is always closed!) and I knocked and opened it and ALAS!! Her room was clean!! Since when? Got me, I haven't been in there in a while, but it must be some sort of reverse psychology in effect here. Hmmnn...I feel as though I have accomplished something today!

Nov. 19

I am on a total gig-neglecting campaign here...why? Because I am in Seattle!! I had to stop in at the Speakeasy Cafe to check my email and update my page; do you have any idea how difficult it was sitting amongst all these terminals and not being logged on?? A girl can only stand so much... It will be a long trip back home but at least I have had my fix...I just hope it tides me over until I can log on at home!

I will be heading out of here shortly though. I am missing the familiar aroma that has occupied my home. It is aromatherapy to me. I may never take the garbage out again...No, I won't be attending to any domestic duties when I get home either...the PowerBook is calling me!!

Nov. 20

I realized Thanksgiving is only a few days away, you know what that means...SKIING!!! I got a note from Ted telling me to make a sacrifice to the Snow Gods so I paid the ultimate price; I logged off and went to the storage closet to retrieve my ski equipment!!! It wasn't easy (with all the beer bottles stored in there....Hey, I BREW beer! I recycle the bottles and they live in the closet between kegs). After about 22 minutes I had cleared a path to the skis, fished out the boots and located both poles. The skis, etc...will take up seasonal residence behind the front door.

The bad news is there are cases of beer bottles piled haphazardly all over my terrace. I was going to put them all back in the storage closet (I really was!) but a strange feeling that I had email waiting to be read was gnawing at me. I just closed the sliding glass terrace door and drew the blinds shut. Hey, that will make it easier to get the Christmas stuff out!!

Nov. 21

What a day! It has been raining heavily most of the day and the cases of beer bottles on the terrace are soaked. There is no way I am going out there to move them. I think the skis will be taking up permanent residence behind the front door...

As if this wasn't enough to ignore, I decided to make chocolate chip cookies. Pretty standard stuff, preheat the oven and mix the ingredients, right? WRONG!!! I have no idea what was in the oven but it burned, as in flames!! The smoke detector went off and I opened the stove and when I did, whatever was there burst into flames...I had to call 911. They were here in almost no time but OY! The mess!! There's CO2 (or whatever) all over the kitchen now (enough to cover the spot where the linoleum is missing...maybe this is good?) and the excitement was enough to delay updating this page...Well, not for long! That white stuff from the fire extinguishers makes the kitchen look Christmasey; I think I'll leave it there in honor of the holiday season!

Nov. 22

So today is the PERL God's birthday (what? You don't know who I am talking about? Get back to my Homepage!!!) and I am taking him out for a night of comedy. I needed to find something to wear but the search turned up nothing. I figured there must be something in the dryer so I went there to look...

After kicking most of the stuff on the floor out of the way I opened the dryer...Oh! So that's where the towels are...I'll have to make a note of that for tomorrow morning... Of course I can't very well wear a towel to the Comedy Club so I turned to the washer. Not pretty. When I opened the washer an odor rivaling the garbage permeated the area. I am definitely going to have to get some incense!! Well, I couldn't very well wear anything from there so I just put in some more detergent (and bleach, after all, I was standing right there!) and ran the washer again... Would someone PLEASE remind me to put this stuff in the dryer before next Thursday?? I'm running out of clothes here!!

Nov. 23

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Since it is a national holiday I took the day off. Yep! Major gig neglecting going on here today, holiday or no holiday!! I have been glued to the PowerBook for the most part, logging off briefly to call the relatives and friends. You know, if you time it just right you can reach everyone's machine and not have to get stuck chatting (or running up the long-distance bill!). This works for me because when they try to call back the phone is busy (hey, I'm on-line!!), giving the impression that I have a life!!

So anyway, I'm minding my own business surfing around and a long cobweb fell off the ceiling and floated down onto the keyboard here. This did not sit well with me...we have an arrangement, me and the cobwebs; I don't disturb them if they don't disturb me, so why this breach of contract?? Sheesh! There is no honor left anywhere in this world!! Fortunately the whole arrangement lifted off the keyboard in one piece and now lives on the carpet next to my chair here... I'm thinking that a few more will make nice Christmas tree ornamentation... I was tiring of tinsel anyway!

Nov. 24

The day after...I have been munching all day, a sort of slow-motion grazing that has left a trail even Mr MaGoo could follow!! I am too tired to pick the stuff up. Must be all that tryptophan in the turkey making me tired.

Or it could be the pitter patter of the rain. It has been raining for the greater part of the day, except for when it has been hailing. The hail was so big that it made an interesting bells sound as it hit all the beer bottles on the terrace. Yep, it's been raining steadily since I got the skis out of the closet; the boxes have become a pile of brown mush at the base of a pile of beer bottles. It is not pretty sight, but that's what the ceiling to floor vertical blinds are for...

Nov. 25

I have had a major gig-neglecting day, so much so that I almost forgot to update my page!! Not that difficult when one is surfing around up on the Web... from the moment I awoke I parked myself right in front of the PowerBook and 14 hours later...well, I was getting hungry! Boxed food in microwave, not a time-out issue!! Yes, the remnants of that wonderful feast are sitting just behind the PowerBook (out of sight, out of mind!! Thanks for those words of wisdom Mom!).

I had to get up to stretch for a bit. Not like I went to the mailbox or anything; just a stretch. I was a bit curious because someone came to my door earlier today (I saw her from my window) and left something there. It was a pile of phone books! The new, updated 1996 set of GTE Everything Pages. HEY, wait a minute...do I need these? Hardly!! I just got a set of the US West White/Yellow Pages (the one that gets used according to them). This makes 9 current useless books piled at my front door, not including the ones I have to recycle...my question is "What's the point?" Like I am really going to log off to make a damned PHONE CALL...HA!! If I can't get what I want via email then I don't WANT IT!!! Now if someone were to print up a book of email addresses...

Nov. 26

You know, sometimes it is not easy to stay on-line all day. I certainly do try, but eventually someone calls the other phone so persistently that I have to go answer it (and then I have to come up with some excuse for why I can't go out...well, I ran out of excuses tonight!!). I log off to go shower for the event. What a pointless waste of time!! After shaking and rinsing all 32 containers in the shower I came up with about enough shampoo to make a single bubble...Sheesh! You'd think there would be shampoo in at least one of those containers!! I'm not exactly sure what I am saving them for (except that it is getting difficult to locate the toilet with the all the stuff piling up out of the wastebasket in there!).

Hmmnnn.... anyway, I needed to soak under the hot water for awhile anyway. I am sore from a fall I took earlier today in the kitchen when I went to get breakfast (which is standard, avocado stuffed with cottage cheese. HEY! Only one knife and one spoon get used that way!!). I save the avocado pits for Stephanie because she wants to grow them. Apparently one of them rolled off the counter and was waiting for me on the floor... On further inspection I discovered I have enough avocado pits to play Bocce in the kitchen (if I ever decide to pick up the stuff on the floor by the washer). Rolling the pits on the floor makes a really interesting design in the fire extinguisher residue as well; sort of an extension of the Coffee Art on the wall back there :)

Nov. 27

Sometimes gig-neglecting can be so natural, other times it requires real effort. Take this afternoon for instance; I am minding my own business, webbing away when I hear brakes and then crash! Crash!! I look up from the screen to see a three car crash outside my window, but luckily the first car was a County Sheriff, so I didn't have to log off to call 911. The difficulty arose when Steph and her friend ran to the window to see what happened...

First, they had to wipe a off the window (it's been a while since the windows have met up with any Windex) but this wasn't too difficult since there was plenty of stuff around to wipe the window with. The confusion began when Steph's friend didn't know which item to use to wipe a viewing spot with (the choices ranged from sweatshirt, various paper products, a sock {which, sadly, no longer has a mate}, kitchen towel, etc...) but he chose to use the sock. He was more confused about what to do with the sock afterwards, but I heard Steph whisper to him "Just drop it behind the couch, my Mom won't notice". Then I heard him say "Geez, there sure is a lot of stuff back there". I've been found out!! Steph then commented that she hides stuff under her bed.. I think I might be able to learn a few things from my 8 yr old...hmmnnn...

Nov. 28

Well, the inevitable occurred today...3 more phone books came to the door. I now have enough phone books to build a barricade to keep anymore phone books from being delivered!! I'm almost tempted except that would mean logging off for awhile (God Forbid!!) so for now I will just accept that the barricade building up inside my front door is a sign that I shouldn't even consider logging off to leave the house (a divine sign, no less!). It's not like there's ever anything interesting in the mail anyway, just bills and junk. Like I need to add to the garbage piling up in here...

Speaking of which, I had to sort of tunnel through today in order to get to the washer. Apparently Steph didn't have anything to wear to school today and she was having a hard time getting back to the washer and dryer to see if there was anything in there for her (yep, has been for over two weeks now!!) so I had to help her get through...well, actually I was a bit more concerned about her getting back out. At least she reminded me that there were clothes in the washer that needed to go in the dryer; we caught them just before they started to mold again. Fortunately this all happened as I was about to log on this morning so it only delayed my webbing without interrupting it, and now there are some clean, dry (albeit wrinkled) clothes for her and a path to them :)

Nov. 29

It has been raining here for days now and the whole city is about to wash away; everywhere locally is on flood watch. This has me very disturbed. Not because I am living in a flood plane but because all the phone lines are underground and I may lose my connection!! I live on a hill and hadn't noticed the rising waters outside because the blinds have been drawn all day (who wants to look at a bunch of beer bottles in brown cardboard mush?).

What I did notice was the puddle by the door. Steph, who has not yet acquired appreciation for the aroma (read garbage) opened the sliding glass door to get some fresh air in the house before leaving for school and left it open. Around 2pm I noticed it was unusually cold in the house and left the PowerBook (briefly) to see why the heaters were having no effect when I felt the draft coming from the terrace. I didn't even get to the door when SQUISH! I stepped in my own living room pond; the carpet is soaked! So are the socks I was wearing, which I peeled off right there (and no surprise, they are still there, but not fastened). Cursing, I closed the door and ran to my room to get more socks...hey, I was already away from the PB a little too long for my liking, and let's face it, it's not safe to walk around here without footwear :)

Nov. 30

I need to clarify something here; just because I am out running around, out of town or (gasp!) out working does NOT constitute Gig Neglecting. Yes, in some small way it is, but for the most part Gig Neglecting is done while I am here, present, in my home. Since this is where the PowerBook is, this is where I want to be. With that said...

Today was one of those days (you know the ones) when it seemed like just about everything went wrong. I had to be out of the house most of the day...I couldn't log on and I was startin' to jones bad. When I finally got in at 8pm I switched on the dining room light and POOF! it blew out. I was just about to log on and do my webbing by the light of the screen when there was a knock at the door; Keith (my old neighbor) came in and said "What? You're not on-line?". Perfect timing, as he is tall enough to change the light bulb for me. I rummage through the kitchen to find a light bulb and hand it to him (he has this quizzical look on his face, but I don't ask). He installs the light bulb and is it ever bright!! I had a 60 watt in there before and now I have a 100 watt bulb...let me tell you , there IS a difference!! You can see EVERYTHING!!! The crickets noticed as well and went scurrying into any corner they could find ASAP.

Keith asked how I got a beige kitchen (since all the kitchens in these apartments are white) and I had to ask him what he meant by that, but it was fairly obvious when I turned to look; all of my kitchen cabinets had that sort of yellowish look to them in the new bright light. All I could say was "hmmnnnn....are you hungry?". With that look still on his face he said "Yes, let's go to McMenamin's" so we did. I didn't even get to check my mail, but the trade off was that someone ELSE did the dishes tonight :)

Tonight I had to take a brief break from webbing to do my nails. All this typing is hard on a girl's nails and my birthday is coming VERY soon (as in Dec. 6th, and YES I am registered at Tiffany & Co., in case you are wondering and trying to make an impression :) and I wanted to give my nails a fighting chance at looking decent. Mind you, I can coat them and scroll around without much difficulty (I am a woman of many talents) and I did not think this would be an imposition to my surfing.

WRONG!!! I keep my mail stuff on top of the refrigerator. Apparently I put my polish of choice up there last time I used it with the cap not quite tightly sealed, and it tipped over and spilled/cemented itself to the top of the fridge. You can imagine my disappointment discovering that the top of the fridge is the color I want my nails to be....This was a dilemma for about one minute though, as I time out after 5 minutes; I had no time to waste chiseling it off, I merely chose a darker color to cover my now chipped nails with. I seem to have covered the chips ok....

Dec. 2

You know, today has been one of those days, the sort you wish you could just erase (or maybe, fast-forward). It stared out with me just wanting my fingernails to be the color they were (the color that is/was lacquered to the top of the fridge). As a pre-logon project I poured some nail polish remover on the affected area to loosen it up (in hopes of rescuing the remainder of the bottle) and started surfing. Well, by now you know how I am get once I'm logged on; I completely forgot about it. That is, until I got hungry.

I went into the kitchen and to my horror there was nail polish AND paint (and whatever else was up there) running down the side of the fridge. To make matters worse I climbed up on a counter to inspect the situation and it is not pretty...not only had the nail polish remover eaten away at the nail polish and the paint on the fridge but also the plastic nail bag (a container I kept all my manicure things in from my 'neat and organized' days) and the contents spilled out all over the refrigerator, counter and floor. Just looking at this mess got me so depressed I jumped down from the counter, grabbed a bagel from the fridge and ate it cold. The entire ordeal has kept my focus straight on the screen for most of the day.

Dec. 3

I have an excuse, I swear I do! You know, every once in a while one can find some really compelling reading on the Web, other times it is just a diary of some guy trying to get babes. Doesn't matter to me though, because I know that no matter what I find on the Web it sure beats scrubbing out the bathrooms!! Sometimes I go in there and wonder how I get clean in that environment.

The party may be over soon as my Mom is threatening a Christmas visit. You know what that means, we'll have to set up shop in some hotel for a week (as there is NO WAY I could possibly get this place straightened out in time for a Mom visit). I can just log on there and let the maid clean around me. Actually, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea....

Dec. 4

You know, there are a lot of shoes piling up by the front door. I am not sure why this is as I don't go anywhere. Maybe my shoes are trying to make some sort of escape. I may have to keep an eye on them....

Earlier today I realized it is getting close to Christmas card time. OK, so it is past X-mas card time...usually I have these things done and gone by now, but I have not had the time (don't make me get into this...). I grabbed a bunch of cards from last year out of the Paper Pile and the box of cards I am going to send out, but I had this feeling I had email waiting for me so I logged back on. Now there are two Paper Piles...

Dec. 5

Maybe it's just me, but I think if I am going to have a birthday celebration I should not have to clean up after it (or before it, for that matter!!). A friend of mine asked if she could have a party for me at my home...NO WAY!!! I'd have to move stuff so people would have a place to sit. I might have to wash dishes (which means first I'd have to find them since I know they are scattered around here) and then, when it is all said and done, I have to clean up all over again...HA! What kind of party is that?? I suggested we celebrate at the Habit (so no one would notice that I'm on-line during my party :)

The other consideration here is that I am going to have to sacrifice some on-line time for the obligatory Christmas decorating. Dec. 7th is the *official* decorating day in my home. I grinch until then because I am tired of having my birthday overrun by Christmas, so the 7th has become a sort of unofficial holiday (8 year olds remember everything!!!). The *decorating* that the Fire Dept. did here two weeks ago isn't really enduring the passage of time, so it looks like I am going to have to enhance the festive mood around here. Thank goodness Burger King has holly printed on all those bags and cups laying around!!!

Dec. 6 (My Favorite Day of the Year!!)

Yep, it's my birthday!!! 23 (and holding :)... But that is neither here nor there, we've got BIG problems at the ol' homestead!! This morning, after my usual webbing, I tried to get ready for my day and made an awful discovery...NO WATER!!! Normally I wouldn't care (I'd just go right on surfing) but this is a day I have to go out!! Fortunately I had taken a shower before the water main broke, but what to wear??? I had put a *necessary* load of laundry in the washer and poured soap and bleach in there and then *click click click* I became aware of the situation.

This is a major catastrophe because this particular load of laundry happens to be my foundations! What's a girl without her foundations?? I started to frantically pull the items out looking for anything that wasn't already sticky with soap (yes, these items are now on the floor) but realized if there was no water for the washer, there was also no water to rinse things in the sink. Oh, woe was me!! Just as I was beginning to really fret KGON-FM mentioned that it was *No Underwear Wednesday* and I was overcome with relief. Whew! At least I won't be the only one!! :) The nice part was that I got to get right back to surfing since I didn't HAVE to do laundry!!

Dec. 7 (Official Christmas Decorating Day)

Yep, the dreaded day has arrived. 8yr. olds remember everything! I had to go into the storage closet to rescue the Christmas decorations. This was considerable off-line time and I might add I am damned grouchy about it!! The good thing was that today was sunny (cold) and I am not going to get another one of these for months but the bad thing was I couldn't use the weather as an excuse to put this off. I went out onto the terrace and kicked aside many bottles and lumps of brown goo to clear a path to my storage closet. I retrieved what I needed quickly and drew the blinds shut. You know what Mom says...

Anyway, *lights* was a NIGHTMARE!!! Who put these things away last year?? Tangles Batman couldn't get out of!! My senses told me I had email, I was tangled in 250 feet of light cords and I got this great idea!! The Fire Dept gets all the credit for this one...I have four Arborvitae in pots outside my front door coming up the steps. My other upstairs neighbor has asked me to "put them to rest" since they are mostly brown (but there IS some green on them, I just know they'll *come back*!!). You know that white stuff you stencil the windows with?? I went out to the steps and sprayed all the Arborvitae white and let Stephanie hang bulbs on them!!! It looks great and I just threw the X-mas tree skirt over the pile of lights, bulbs, etc... in the living room. Hey, I was right about the e-mail!!

Dec. 8

OK, OK, so I don't have a Christmas tree yet (at least not indoors). Hey! I have two weeks still! What's the hurry? It's not like I have read the entire WWW and have nothing better to do. I'll get around to picking up a tree and some presents soon. I have to mentally prepare myself for the big Log-Off; this could take hours and I have to get myself psyched!!

Besides, I am going to HAVE to attend to the laundry before I go out; I only have very dark foundations left, and few at that! This morning, when I was surveying the foundations drawer to estimate how much time I had left before being forced to attend to the wash, I became aware that laundry was going to be an inevitability SOON (as in, by tomorrow!!). I resolved to go pick up my lingerie off the floor and put it into the washer. The sock fiasco being fresh in my memory caused me to gather up the soap-sticky pile and throw it in the washer. I also knew I had email waiting (yeah, you know the feeling...) and forgot to turn on the washer. This would seem a simple enough situation to rectify except for what I did next.

There was a whole bunch of soap/bleach residue on the floor. I had already started my log-on process so I was in somewhat of a hurry; I poured water in the floor to loosen the globs of now dried liquid soap. While I was waiting for some graphics to load I went to the washer to turn it on and slipped in the spreading soapy puddle. OUCH!!! I need to visit my chiropractor for sure, maybe when I go out to get the tree. For now the only comfortable position is sitting in front of the PowerBook :)

Dec. 9

OY VEY!! We are having a freezing rain storm here. Good news, I can't (and WON'T) go out. Bad news, I did go out last night and two friends stayed over, the road conditions were so bad. Once they got here they considered chancing the drive, but I wouldn't allow it. Safety first(I AM a mom)! Personally, I don't think it is so bad here, but Ted was gone before I got up (he did sleep in the living room). He was kind enough to put the pull-out bed back together (which I think was very considerate), but he was probably overwhelmed by the thought of attending to the pile of stuff I created in an attempt to make room for the bed.

Kim, who slept in Stephanie's room (Steph is away at training this weekend) was still here though. She suggested that I log off and make some breakfast. No, the look didn't kill her...

After foraging for two plates (and chiseling off whatever was on them) I attempted to whip up some omelets. I was about to pour the whipped eggs in the frying pan when I slipped on the dry soapy floor (again, but at least this time I didn't fall) and lost the bowl of eggs. Yep, everywhere. Looks especially nice against the nail polish on the fridge. I just threw the bowl into the sink, turned off the stove and made ham and cheese sandwiches, which I should have done in the first place (actually, I should have had Kim make the sandwiches...). SHEESH! It's not SAFE to log off!!!

Dec. 10

So the inevitable happened; I actually did laundry. I had to (don't make me repeat myself here, you KNOW why!!). Well, it has to get into the dryer still. I am out Christmas shopping with Kathleen right now. YEP! Xmas shopping on-line! Who woulda thought? Well, she had to do some serious conniving, but the logic worked in the end. As I type, the PowerBook is propped on her baby stroller connected to her cell phone!! My job is to push the baby around (as I surf) while she makes purchases for me; I just sign while the graphics are loading!! I could get used to this, were it not for the weight of the batteries I am carrying around (hey, we can only shop as long as I have access and I only have 4 batteries!!).

You can't see the baby for the packages loaded on the stroller, so I have to carry the power paks. That Kathleen can shop!! I figure it is a race between my credit limit and my power paks at this point!!

Dec. 11

I shoved all the Xmas purchases in the trunk of the car yesterday and rushed home to log on again. Kathleen wouldn't let me take the phone with me, and my batteries did out last my credit limit. That is inconsequential though, as I observed a lovely new dent on my car by the trunk. Someone had hit me in the parking lot; I only noticed because the dirt had been scraped away revealing the original color. I figured if I drove fast through the rain it would have the same effect as a car wash. That was the secondary motive; the primary getting home to log on again!

When I got in I was in a bit of a hurry and tripped over the phone cord. In doing so I ripped it out of the phone breaking the little clear wired connection thingy (what IS that called??)...oh who cares! The cord won't stay plugged into the handset but it DOES stay plugged into the modem...does that make this a *dedicated line*?? Might as well, since I don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't have access anyway!!!

Dec. 12

OK, Bear with me here...,I am dealing with a major storm and I have not had access for hours!!! THIS SUCKS!!!! I have no power, no phones, warm beer and consoling friends who are trying to distract me from thinking about my lack of access...this is all too depressing!! My power paks were run down from shopping the other day and I did not recharge them (hey, I got home and logged on, who KNEW there would be a major storm???) and I can't even check my email...WAAAAAA!!!!

I am not dealing with this very well...I am at Kathy's (not to be confused with Kathleen) because it is safer here than my own home, which may or may not exist as we speak...this is (supposedly) a BIG storm...I evacuated my home and we have been cooking on woodstoves and living by candlelight and warm beer...we are 14 people and three dogs in a relatively small space; I can only be grateful that somehow, somewhere, I should be able to log on tomorrow when the storm passes...Gig-Neglecting pales next to survival (until tomorrow when I am home, if I have one)!!

Dec. 13

OK, I'm finally home...WHEW!! Yes, the power paks are recharged and ready for the next emergency. Heaven knows that storm was just too much for my last thin nerve to take!! I never realized just how addicted I was until last night, sitting Kathy's candlelit dining room when the phone rang. I dashed over to her son (who had answered the phone), yanked the receiver out of his hand, yelled "GET OFF THE PHONE!!" at the caller, hung it up and plugged the PowerBook in. Yes, I updated my page via candlelight (I have since corrected the typos) but did not have enough reserve power to read my email or check out my other favorite daily journals. I didn't even get to proofread my own page...Sorry folks!!

So yes, my home is still here, and worse for wear and tear. I had to climb over the decorated arborvitae to get in. They (and their bulbs) were strewn all over the front landing and down the stairs. They still are... I needed to log on!!! I don't EVEN want to talk about the terrace!! Aside from everything out there being in a big pile of cardboard mush, there are countless conifer branches and pine needles all over everything. Hmmnnn, come to think of it, maybe if I go spray some of that white stuff on them it will look more Christmasy out there as well....NAH! I'll just stay logged on for a while, thank you :)

Dec. 14

There are times I think I should log off and check to see if the phone still rings. Today was one of those days. What was I thinking?? Not three minutes later (and believe me, I was just getting that *I think I have email* itch) my buddy Keith calls, bummin'. He just wrecked his BMW right down the road from where I live, so TA DA!! It's me to the rescue. I get there, it's driveable, he needs to replace the headlights to get the car home though. Fortunately the accident happened near an auto parts store, so that isn't too difficult a task. Problem was keeping the headlights in place, which turned out to be no problem at all because I had some Duct Tape in the car (Hey! Duct Tape is unquestionably THE single most handy item in the UNIVERSE!!). After about 20 minutes of foraging through the stuff in the back seat I found it (you know, there's all sorts of handy stuff back there!).

That project completed, I stopped off at the drycleaners (where the employees refer to me as *that lady with no life*) and then to the store. Hey, if I'm going to be off-line, I am going to MAXIMIZE my time!! Knowing I had email waiting for me I was antsy to get back on-line. Steph and I came rushing up the steps (past the not-quite-white arborvitae) and through the door where I tripped over some shoes (how did so many shoes get behind the door??) and spilled the groceries everywhere. I logged on, Steph picked up the groceries. I think she got it all, I hope so... I have e-mail to read :)

Dec. 15

I know better than to log off, I swear I do!! I was getting Steph out the door for school this morning and found a tangerine on the floor just under the couch (one of my purchases from last night) so I picked it up to put it in the fridge. I was headed that way anyway to make my morning coffee. MISTAKE!!

When I opened the vegetable crisper drawer *something* came out at me! I don't know what it was or how it got there (it certainly didn't look like anything I put there!) but it was a genuine fight to get the drawer closed again!! I did not make coffee. I REFUSE to go into the kitchen for anything! I'll just sit here, in front of the PowerBook, logged on...

Dec. 16

Last night I was minding my own business, having a lovely talk conversation (after all, I only converse on-line!!), when a buddy stopped by with some beers. I'm not even going to mention that it was too late to be expecting company (well, I'm never expecting company). The 'snake eyes' said it all, but I was NOT about to log off. I directed him into the kitchen to get the bottle opener. I did not, however, suggest lime in the beer, that was his idea, and one he probably regrets now.

When he asked if I would like a lime in my beer I said "Yeah, whatever" (as I was engrossed in a conversation at the time). I thought he brought a lime. He thought I HAD a lime. He opened the fridge to get the lime. What he found in the vegetable drawer was NOT a lime!! I forgot all about that *thing* in there, but my buddy's scream reminded me to say "Oh by the way...". It was too late. Whatever it was, it did not like being disturbed!! A short altercation occurred during which my buddy yelled to me "Open the door!!" so I opened the front door (and sat back down to my conversation). I saw him run past me with the vegetable drawer and throw it out the front door then slam the door shut behind him, panting. The look in his eyes was enough to make me end my talk conversation and log off. He slammed two beers before bringing me mine, sans lime. I just said "I'd rather not talk about it" and left it at that.

This morning when I went downstairs to check the snail mail I noticed the vegetable drawer on the lawn. Whatever WAS in there was nowhere to be seen. I did not go near the drawer (or pick it up) as I had a feeling I had email waiting for me. Who needs a vegetable drawer anyway??

Dec. 17

Today I finally decided to take the Christmas decorating seriously. The 'decorating' the fire dept. did three weeks ago hasn't held up well and the arborvitae got washed in the storm. Steph was lamenting that there was no way Santa was going to stop by here if we didn't decorate for him. With those encouraging words of guilt I logged off and began the project.

Well, let's just say it is coming along. I took a bunch of pine branches that blew onto the terrace during the storm and made a wreath. That's about as far as I got. I could not, for the life of me, find the wreath hanger anywhere!!! There are now Christmas decorations strewn all over the living room and the wreath is on the couch, where it will stay until the wreath hanger surrenders itself. I just don't have time for this searching around stuff...it eats into my surfing time!

Dec. 18

If you, the reader, do not have children, then word of advice; DON'T have children!! They seriously cut into your surfing time!! Check this out... Steph comes home from Brendon's to relate to me what an awesome tree they have over there. She's working on me, but I am paying little attention as Bryon has just come to the realization that it is over between him and Lisa (I called this one right after Thanksgiving)...who needs TV when real life soaps are on the Net??? Anyway, the wreath was taking up the last seat in the living room, so I had Steph bring me a wire hanger. I twisted it into a wreath hanger while downloading some graphics and hung the wreath on the door (folks, are those wallpaper backgrounds REALLY necessary??).

So I think all is cool and I can get back to my webbing but NOOOO!! We have the long face going on (strategically parked right next to the PowerBook for maximum effect). "So what's up?" I ask. Well, we don't have a tree and a certain 8yr old is bummed. No, we don't have a PINE tree, but that does not mean the end of Christmas, does it??? Steph is currently hanging bulbs and ornaments on the Umbrella Tree (which, by the way, is not dead YET!). The surfing continues... :)

Dec. 19

How did I get talked into this??? Those 8yr olds are smarter than they look...I went out (after much moping by aforementioned 8yr old) and procured a tree. I might add it is a beauty. Well, it will be...

See, first, as I was loading said tree into the trunk, I bent my left index finger nail (yes, once in 23+ years I have 10 PERFECT NAILS!!!) all the way back breaking it below the quick...OWIEE!!!). I barely got the tree upstairs. I couldn't find the ring to the tree stand, so I lost patience (it is probably hiding out with that damned wreath hanger!!). The tree is propped up against the wall (where it should be set up) and Steph is hanging bulbs on the exposed side as we speak...

Dec. 20

Today has been a curious day on all fronts. It was a sunny, beautiful day. So sunny I had to draw the blinds so I could see the screen through the glare. Before I did that though I went into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee. It was not the sparkly, glowy effect off the Fire Dept.'s decorating that I noticed though.

My 'artwork' on the back wall of the kitchen (result of an earlier sock and coffee incident) seems to be more textured. It started out just light brown (milk and sugar) against white. Now it seems to have a variety of colors; black, green and a reddish brown. The green and reddish brown seem to be the most raised. I fixed my coffee (the way I like it), pulled the blinds down and started reading e-mail...

Dec. 21

Today was another sunny day. What's up with that?? I used to love the sunshine, but now it seems to have a mischievous side. As I was webbing I happened to look over the top of the PowerBook and noticed a greenish tint to the carpet in the living room. This is a gray carpet. Since the "virtual dorm room" was taking a while to download I walked over to inspect.

I hope Santa gives me slippers for Christmas. Socks are great for keeping warm, but they have little effect once they are wet, as I discovered when the carpet went squish beneath my feet. I was pretty close to where I took off the socks last time this happened, but I thought for sure the carpet was dry by now. Wrong!! Not only is it not dry but now it is also hosting a variety of growths, most of which I found under the tree skirt I had thrown over the Xmas decorations a while back to hide the mess. I have replaced the tree skirt until I can come up with a solution to the problem at hand. Does anyone know how to kill the mushrooms that are growing on my carpet??

Dec. 22-23

I have to cop to something here. There IS one thing I will log off for any time...skiing!! It is as gig-neglecting as one can get without a snowboard! Well, I was up before the sun and crashed when I got home. Unfortunately that woke me up around 2:30am. Well, you can't vacuum or do laundry at that hour (even if you WANTED to!) so I logged on to catch up on my e-mail, etc... What else could I do??

One comforting thought is that when I came home yesterday I dropped all my gear right at the front door. How convenient! I am going skiing tomorrow.... :)

Dec. 24

'Twas the night before Christmas...and I went skiing!! I'm not going to rant about the conditions, after all, we have not had any new snow in over a week. I had a great time until I got back and realized everything was closing down about 1/2 hour from my return (yes, there is a pile of ski gear by the door again...this arrangement seems to work out well for those pre-dawn departures). Steph and I ran out to get those last minute Christmas items (like a disposable camera so the grandparents can have photos).

Of course, skiing all day means I have not logged on, and I am sure I have email and lots of news to catch up on. Meanwhile, Steph is declaring that Santa does not have *safe* passage to the tree (which is still leaning precariously against the wall). She also has concerns that none of her *requests* will fit in the space allotted for presents. I am trying to assure her that Christmas WILL happen here, but you should see the long face she is wearing!! Fortunately I am a mom, I am immune to long, sulky faces :)

Dec. 25

Merry Christmas!! Yep, it happened HERE, just like I said it would. After I made Steph go to sleep (12:45am...she was trying to clear a path for Santa from the terrace door to the tree) I stayed on-line for a bit longer, then it was time to get down to business!! I shoved everything aside and lay towels end to end from the terrace door to the tree (so Santa could have a clearly marked runway). I erected the tree properly and put the few presents I had under it. I put out some milk and cookies and went to bed (2:50am).

6:10am I am up again, thanks to the resident 8yr old!! Santa came by in a big way here, it took us over an hour to get through all the presents! Well, part of that is because after the first half were opened we had to rummage through the paper and bows to find the other half of the presents. When we were satisfied that we had opened them all we got dressed for the day and left. Christmas came at a perfect time; another day and I would have been forced to do laundry!!

Dec. 26

After a night of Christmas cheer I must say that I am somewhat relieved that it is all over. Well, not completely, as there is still New Years to contend with. With any luck I will be night skiing, but that remains to be seen. For now we are just wading through thigh high wrapping paper. It seems to have spread from the living room here into the dining room. It does have that fire hazard sort of look to it, but I am not too concerned. Steph just found another present in all the paper and I have convinced her to continue her search but with a twist; she's got a garbage bag and is putting paper and bows into it as she goes.

Of course, I am logged on updating my page. Steph is aware that Santa sees all good deeds .... :)

Dec. 27

Today I actually did something off-line. I started to put away my Christmas gifts (the clothing ones, anyway). I did this while listening to one of my new CDs that Steph gave me for Christmas (she gave me two; a gold collector's Springsteen Born to Run and Pink Floyd The Wall...tell me she doesn't HATE 3rd grade!!). There is no doubt in my mind that I live with the coolest 8yr old alive!! Anyway, back to the put-away project...

This was not too difficult as they all went to the same place. For some unfathomable reason everyone I know gave me pajamas for Christmas. I mean EVERYONE!!! What's up with THAT??? We are not even talking fuzzy warm footie ones, we are talking satin/silk boxer shorts/tank top/bowling shirt top/whatever ones. They will come in handy in July, I guess. Anyway, I got the pj's put away, put on the first PF/Wall disc and somehow I got the feeling I had e-mail waiting for me....Yup!! Operant conditioning at work, as I do ALL my webbing to Pink Floyd :)

Dec. 28

Sometimes you can't win for losing, you know?? Take those phone books for instance. I did not ask for 16 phone books to be delivered to my house. I didn't ask for any phone books to be delivered (like I make phone calls... Sheesh!) but there they were, just piling up at the door. I stopped bringing them in after the first 6. Now, you would think, if someone saw 6, 9 or 10 phone books, they would not drop off any more, right?? Apparently there is some order out there which is making sure I have more phone books than anyone in Beaverton.

So yesterday, I am minding my own business, webbing away, when the doorbell rings. I am thinking "another kid trying to subscribe me to the Oregonian" (since no one rings the doorbell here, they just walk in), but no, it is my neighbor. He is peacefully disgruntled about the mess on the stairs and has come to lodge a complaint. "Mess?" I query, and he points down the stairs. Well, I can't deny that the phone books have all turned to gray mush on the landing (from the rains here) and are running down the stairs. So is all that white stuff I sprayed on the arborvitae, and this is the first thing he and his wife see every morning leaving their home. It is true, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Since he was so nice about his presentation I logged off and started to remove all the stuff out there. I also noticed that the vegetable bin from my refrigerator was still out on the lawn (sans whatever WAS in there) but filling with rainwater. After about 10 minutes of pushing the broom I realized this was going to be a bigger project than I was up to, so I just pushed all the stuff through the stairs and left it where it fell on the landing downstairs. I'll probably be hearing from my downstairs neighbor soon...

Dec. 29

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking there was something I missed on line. I kept telling myself it would come to me and I could just log on and retrieve it, but it never did. Well, not until 6:11am when I realized I failed to answer an email!! Logged on by 6:12am and coffee by 6:14am...I was up more than an hour before the sun (this ONLY happens on ski days!!).

Not that getting an early start meant I was going to have a great day, on the contrary!! Not that I will go into the gory details of the rest of my day, but suffice to say my downstairs neighbor came up to lodge a complaint about the new found stuff by his front door. I heard him out and then told him he would have to wait until the rain stopped before I could do anything about it. This should buy me time until about July (when the garbage goes out)!!!

Dec. 30

Just on the heels of the phone book thing (which I am not over yet, as I passed my downstairs neighbor today on the way to the mailbox and he gave me the 'snake eyes'), I have yet another rant...Victoria's Secret catalogues. I get a minimum of 3 of these a week!! Excuse me, but do I have a need for these?? NO! Trust me, I've seen me!!! I have no idea why they send them to me (especially three/week) because it's not like I'm going to log off to call in an order, sheesh! I haven't noticed an email address in any of these catalogues...

Well, I guess I should cop here, I haven't actually looked. See, I keep telling myself I am going to peruse these catalogues (like I'm really going to go on a diet) so I pile them up on the microwave cart. The pile is about two feet high right now (multiply 3/week since August), well, it was... I tossed today's issue on the top of the pile and the whole thing slid over in slow motion fashion, almost like those synchronized swimmers from the really old 40's movies, one after the other. Since they are not in the path between the PowerBook and the coffee... oh well...

Dec. 31 New Year's Eve

GIG NEGLECTING!!!! 3" new snow @ Meadows....guess where I'm going???? See ya tomorrow!!! Happy New Year!!

So, I survived the ski ordeal. I call it an ordeal because every drunk redneck with a hat within a 40 mile range of the mountain was there trying to ski in their Tony Lama's aided by Jack Daniels. Bumper skiing!!

I awoke this morning late (hey, it's a holiday for me too you know!!) and immediately started catching up on mail, newsgroups, journals, etc... You know, I wish there was a way for me to get PAID for this, as surfing seems to be a full-time job. Hmmmnnn....maybe I just found my New Year's resolution (you didn't THINK I would say "to clean this place"...HA!)

Jan. 2

I am not a very happy person today. Aside of all sorts of not necessarily positive things happening outside my home (like the landscapers putting my vegetable drawer on my stairs so I damn near died tripping over it with an armload of grocery bags), it took 14 minutes to log on. This gets to me. People come to expect things to work all the time. When I flip the switch, I expect the light to go on. When I turn the faucet I expect water to come out. When I log on I expect to connect immediately!!

What I did NOT expect was to have the hair from my hairbrush come back at me with about 7 gallons of water when I tried to flush it down the toilet! I was barely able to shut off the water in time to save my bedroom carpet, but there is a shallow pool in my bathroom. I threw a whole bunch of towels in there on the floor to soak it all up (I have more in the dryer). I'm just not in the mood to deal with it. I have two bathrooms anyway. Probably a little email too. Hopefully not like the last one, where a *concerned friend* sent me the URL for the InterNet Affected Disorder group. Yeah buddy, let he who is without affliction cast the first stone!!!

Jan. 3

Another sunshiny day. It rained this morning but it is clear now. Fortunately the windows have a film on them that have a light filter effect. One effect seems to add color to the *coffee art* on the back wall of the kitchen, more reds and greens. The back wall is actually in the pantry, where the washer and dryer, and just about all of my clothes are. Only half the art is visible due to the height of the pile. Which was added to today.

I awoke to the realization that my bathroom doesn't work. What alerted me to this was an early morning squish under my bare foot near my vanity. Apparently the towels were no match for the pond, as they were soaked and so was my carpet. I put on some socks and headed for Stephanie's bathroom. After I got her ready for school I logged on and looked out the window. The rain was coming down heavily. The vegetable drawer (which I kicked back onto the lawn after it damn-near killed me yesterday) was half filled with rain already. As I started to get ready for work I realized I had to attend the issue of my bathroom. I pulled the sopping wet dripping towels out of the bathroom and threw them into the washer (which, surprisingly, was empty). I peeled off my now soaked pj's and put on some sweats that happened to be right there (Hmmmnnnn.....) and decided it was a telecommuting sort of day. It's not like anyone can see me on-line!!

Jan. 4

I think mornings are my payback for logging off to go to sleep. This morning I stepped on a pine needle from my now dry (and somewhat brownish looking) Christmas tree. It was just like a splinter. After some mild cursing and home surgery I got it out. Those damned needles are all over the floor. I am going to have to get some heavy duty socks or vacuum. For now I am wearing two pair of socks :)

As if this wasn't annoying enough, there was no milk for my morning coffee. This I discovered after having a fight with the laundry to get the refrigerator door opened. It seems I am going to have to do laundry here soon as A) I have no clean clothes left and B) the garbage and the laundry no longer have clear boundaries. Fortunately I had some of that fake coffee flavoring stuff (Suisse Chocolate) so I put that in my morning coffee and here I am....still...Steph is saying something about dinner though. Hmmnnn...it IS dark out...

Jan. 5

Yeah, I know, it's late...I have only been Gig Neglecting for a short while here, as today was yet another SKI day!!! Yep, to coin a phrase, 'my nerves were shot'* and I just had to get out of here!! One thing I did notice was that when I came home the familiar aroma is far different than that of the fresh air on the Mountain, but both have one thing in common...pine.

Yes, the Christmas tree is getting rather brittle these days. It looks as though I may have to *Grinch* soon (this is the term for undecorating the tree in my home...when you have an 8yr old, you must speak in relative terms). Well, after I catch up on all this email.... :)

Jan. 6

Well, it seems we had a little coup here today, but order has been restored and The Powers That Be have been reinstated. Let me fill you in...

This morning when I woke up (a bit bleary-eyed) I came out to the dining room and was rudely awakened (before my morning coffee) by a huge space on my dining room table. Last night (and for the past 8 months) this space was occupied by my PowerBook. It was not where I left it last night!!! As can be expected, I FREAKED! "Oh my God, where's the PowerBook?" I shrieked in horror. Stephanie approached me calmly and said "It is in a safe place, and it won't be returned until I get some clean clothes." WHAT???

Yep, the little weasel took my PowerBook, adapter and all, and held it hostage until I did some laundry!!! I was beside myself, but she was standing firm. She hid it and wasn't talking until she had clean clothes!! OK, so I did some laundry, and while I was at it I got her to take out some garbage (hey! I'm not the maid around here!!). About the time she started suggesting we *Grinch* I took matters into my own hands; it was time to fight fire with fire. I threatened to go to the Habit and email Santa about this little incident. Some things are more effective than a spanking, but I'll tell you, after this, I may have to declare a Police Action. At least now I have some clean clothes as well...

Jan. 7

There are times when being an Absolute Monarch (read: Dictator) has its pluses. Take yesterday...yeah, it was a horrible experience and I almost lost it when the PowerBook was gone, but once Order was reinstated I realized something... Stephanie can reach the top of the Dumpster!! Which means she can also reach the top of the washer, the sink, etc...

Yep, she's kicking herself NOW for that brilliant stunt yesterday. Her only domestic duty to date has been to make sure she makes her bed before going to school. I seem to have *forgotten* that she has grown. Well, that's all changed now!! I have had her removing ALL the garbage from the kitchen, bathrooms, etc... (and yes, it IS raining!!). Maybe I'll even have her do dishes!! Or more laundry! HaHaaa!!! That'll teach her not to mess with the PowerBook again...oh...wait...the poor kid. She's all wet and bedraggled looking. She has about 7 more trips down to the dumpster, I'm starting to feel just a little sorry for her. Maybe the garbage task will make the point clearly enough, no need to wreck her entire cha-cha. Besides, I don't need any Mommie Dearest books written about me later!!

Jan. 8

You know, after the little dumpster excursion yesterday there is a little less gung-ho attitude about *Grinching* around here. It was I who brought up the subject today, and it was not very well received. Regardless, someone we know (that would be the smaller of us two) is currently taking decorations off the tree. That is, between headaches, sore throats, and general exhaustion (they must be runnin' these kids HARD in 3rd grade!!) and a variety of other procrastination tactics.

Yep! We are regretting pulling the PowerBook coup on Mom, you can be sure!!

Jan. 9

Well, as far as *Grinching* goes, the undecorating process has been put on hold, as we discovered two (as of yet) undelivered gifts. How can you give someone Christmas gifts if the tree isn't still up?? Well, it may take a while, after all I haven't seen Kim since the day she suggested I log-off (I swear she wasn't injured!! 'Looks that could kill" is only a saying!!). Anyway, we are enjoying the Tree with lights, sans decorations. Those are in a box in the vicinity of the mushroom garden.

I think extending Christmas is a great idea. After all, by extending the holiday season, I am not in any hurry to get the remaining fire extinguisher residue out of the kitchen. Thanks to Steph's weekend escapades, I am able to navigate in and out of there more freely, but that doesn't mean I have time to take a sponge to all the counters, cabinets, etc...I have to email everyone and tell them I am listed in the Useless Pages!!!

Jan. 10

Why do I need an alarm clock when I have landscapers?? These guys are out there before the sun comes up mowing the lawn. I ask you, can they even SEE what they are doing?? NO! I am sure of this. When I went downstairs I discovered a lawnmower running, unattended, just outside my window. What's up with that?? I also tripped on the vegetable drawer on my stairs again (how do they know it's mine??). Not pleased, I kicked it back out on the lawn and turned off the offending lawnmower. I should have thrown the keys down the storm drain, but I didn't want to escalate the situation at hand. Trust me, next time I will!!! The damned vegetable drawer was back on my stairs when I came home this afternoon. I consider this an overt Declaration of War.

I was just getting back from w**k (it's about the only four letter word that gets to me) and the phone was ringing. I hate that, but I answered it. It was my mom calling from NY. She started the conversation with "Is it really you? I can't believe the phone actually RANG!" I should have told her she got the wrong number, but I wanted to tell her about my *Useless* status. She thinks I should be busy dating (UGH!!) but who needs a man when there's Net access??? Plenty of company, no mess to clean up afterwards! Besides, I would be too busy attending to someone else's needs to check my e-mail. My mom just doesn't seem to understand...oh well. I wasn't going to take time to explain it either. I had surfing to do.

Jan. 11

You know, it is getting to the point where I just don't want to leave the house for ANYTHING these days!! Get this; my job occasionally requires that I go to construction sites. With the rains here this can be rather muddy, as was the case today. As I was driving off the site a big dump truck passed me and splashed mud all over my windshield, so much so that it was a challenge for my wipers to clean them off. Since I had a little time between appointments, I decided to take the car into the car wash for the deluxe treatment; wash, wax, vacuum, dust, etc...$14.95.

After about 10 minutes this guy approaches me with a garbage bag and an *estimate* for $40. EXCUSE ME??? He wants me to bag all the stuff in the back seat and put it in the trunk and then they will clean my car for $40.!!! I was livid!! I asked why they couldn't just wash the exterior and wipe off the dashboard, he said because they only do quality work. Yeah right...this is a car wash, not a paint job we're looking for! I threw the garbage bag at him and drove off in a huff to the Texaco station where, for $1.39 I drove through the car wash. Granted, my car is two colors now (silver and dirt) but at least I can see through the windshield! Sheesh!!

Jan. 12

Am I ever glad it's FRIDAY! I have a low grade headache from traffic. Stupid traffic, but that is and entirely different page!!(Hmmmnnnn....)!! My day started with the hot water running out. Why, I do not know, but when I stepped out of the ankle high water in the tub (it has been a while since I pulled hair from the drain) I realized that I didn't rinse the conditioner out of my hair. Too cold to get back into a cold shower, I decided that it was leave-in conditioner and continued my morning ritual.

My hair didn't have that quite dry look for a long time. It felt dry, but it didn't look it. Curious, I took a towel and wiped the *steam* from the mirror. Much to my surprise, this was not steam! As I wiped the circle bigger I noticed that not only did my hair have a *wet look* to it, but that my skin color was a bit pale greenish. Not my normal tanned look, but sort of the same translucent green skin that all my programmer buddies have. I kinda like the tanned look better. No way am I going to log off to lay in a tanning booth though! I'll just stand to the side of the clean circle on my mirror to get ready in the morning :)

Jan. 13

Well, Kim finally made an appearance. Apparently there was some resistance to her coming over due to the Christmas gift her mom made for me, which caused some distress between Eda (Kim's mom) and her. When it was all said and done, I had to laugh!! Eda had taken the time to embroider a plaque for me for Christmas, and she put a lot of time into it. The problem arose when Kim read the plaque. Eda won't come over here (for obvious reasons) and Kim was refusing to deliver it. The plaque says "My House Was Clean Last Week...Sorry You Missed It!!!"

Of course, I had to laugh! That Eda has a great sense of humor. I put the plaque up on the wall by the door immediately (I took the barometer that was up there off the hook and just dropped it on the floor...I'll come up with another place for it sometime). I am trying to figure out a way to put this plaque on the outside of my front door without damaging it. Well, I'm not looking for weatherproofing projects that will cut into my webbing time, but I do like the idea of having a disclaimer for my home :) THANKS EDA!!!

Jan. 14

It has been a long day. A friend's parents are moving to CA soon so they were having a Moving Sale (what the difference between this and a garage sale is, I can't tell you). My friend called me and asked me if I would like to bring anything over for the sale (knowing I do not have a garage, so I never have garage sales) and this gave me a great idea!! Yes, I know, I had to log off to do this, and my friend's mom forbid me to bring the PowerBook, so trust me, it was a tough choice. Since most of my *usual suspects* hadn't updated their pages I figured at least I would have something to read when I got back home. I logged off, grabbed a few bags and started at my room and worked my way towards the kitchen, picking up everything in my path!

I tunneled my way back to the kitchen (where the laundry piles up) and by the end of 8 minutes I had four bags of mostly clothes, a barometer, lots of McD's & BK kid's toys , a few pair of shoes. Stuff. Garage sale stuff. Stuff I have been tripping over in my own home. Glad to be rid of it!! Who needs all those clothes and stuff anyway?? Not that I actually sold any of it, oh no! We were too busy watching the Green Bay/Dallas game on the Big Screen TV! Since when is Neon Deion playing for the Cowboys?? I haven't watched TV since Michael Caine fed a beer to a camel on David Letterman (taped in London)! No need, I get the Top Ten list on-line!! Anyway, no need to worry about all that Moving Sale stuff anyway, as the Salvation Army is coming to pick up all that didn't sell the day after tomorrow. Me? I have an unobstructed path to my bedroom (for the time being, at least)!!

Jan. 15

Uh-oh...trouble brewing!! I was awakened by a call from my mom this morning informing me she now has access. Of course, the call came before the sun was up (as she still hasn't got a grip on this time-zone change thing yet...9 years should be long enough to get the hang of it!). I may have to change this page to 'All the Cleaning I Have Done Today'...yeah, RIGHT!! Like I am going to log off to get anything done around here! If the place starts sounding like it could get a Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval, you'll know that Mom has figured out how to use the browser!! Sheesh!!

As if this weren't enough, I have been up just a bit too long for my liking today. I went downstairs for a minute to check my mail (yes, I know it is a Federal Holiday, but I haven't been to my mailbox in a while now) and ran into my next door neighbor. He suggested that it might be time to take down my wreath, etc... WHAT?? Like there is a time limit on the Christmas spirit or something? Well, it is raining today, so I doubt I will even entertain that idea. The vegetable drawer is full of rainwater (as in, overflowing) so I think I will stay right here, logged on where it is warm and dry, thank you.

Jan. 16

I think I am in the doghouse with my apartment managers. Yesterday (I was minding my own business when) the doorbell rang. ?? To my surprise, it is Kevin, the maint. guy around here. Ahem, well..."What's up?" I ask, not too sure why he has stopped by. Apparently Stephanie told him that the light cover had fallen out of the ceiling light in her bathroom. Well, it had, but I am too short to replace it (well, I AM, but I wasn't about to go climbing around to try to rectify the situation, as there is much more interesting stuff on the Web than replacing a light cover!!). Besides, this is a problem?? I hardly think so, as it is not diminishing light or anything.

Anyway, he comes in and replaces the light fixture cover. A sigh of relief that I did my garage sale project the day before!! At least there was an unobstructed path to Steph's bathroom. So, I figure it is done and I can go back to Webbing, right?? WRONG!! It seems my Christmas tree is getting old and dry (read: fire hazard) and I need to take it out. Yes, I'll get to it, I just like the smell of Balsam. "Is that what that smell is?" he asks. All right already!! I mean, not for nothin', I have timed out on my connection, OK?? Are you happy now?? Geez!! This, of course, was 'walking advice' time, and about the same time he noticed the refrigerator. Oy Vey!! He said "What's that?" and I said "Oh! Don't go in there! I have bleach on the floor." I was trying to pass off the missing linoleum as a coffee stain, and I knew he wouldn't want to get bleach on the carpet. I was barely able to shoo him out of here with a lame excuse of "You caught me just as I was about to clean"...yeah, right!! I knew I had email waiting for me!!!

Jan. 17

Today has NOT been my day!!! It was sort of nice out, so I decided to go downstairs and check the mailbox. 4 Victoria's Secret catalogues to add to my collection. Oh boy. I hadn't noticed the envelope taped to my door until I got back; it was a request to come down to the rental office and 'talk'. Talk? As in chit chat?? Like I have time!! Oh well...

So I go down to the office. It seems there are 'concerns' about the condition of my apartment. "Oh, really??" Well, yes, it appears it is not being kept up to 'standards'. There is also a concern about my so-called fire hazard (AKA Christmas tree). Some of my neighbors have also complained that my front landing makes the place look like a tenement. TENEMENT??? Hey, I'm a NYer, I know a tenement when I see one!! "How can we rectify this situation?" I ask (nervously, since I feel a 72 hour notice in the air). I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say that I conceded to undoing the Christmas tree to appease the concerns of fire hazard. I'll deal with the neighbors later (suffice to say that my stereo IS a tad louder than usual and blaring Candlebox right now, with April's Motel Room in the queue!! Where's my old AC/DC when I need it???)...no more Mr. Nice Guy here!!

Anyway, I have stripped all the decorations from the tree. They are piled in the corner in a tangle of lights. I dragged the tree downstairs to the dumpster, leaving a trail of pine needles from my door to the garbage. No question that it is gone, as it is a trail Mr. MaGoo could follow. I'll get to the wreath and outside decorations at a later date. I have webbing to do!!

Jan. 18 (the 18th already?? Sheesh!)

Last night I went to the gas station and the pump attendant (I don't even know his name, but he always says "Hello Gorgeous"...yeah, like I'm the only recipient of that greeting!!) decided to go into chit-chat mode. He mentioned that it seemed about time for me to wash my car. WHAT?? Didn't I just wash it?? Well, maybe so, but they don't have one of those drive through car washes there, so I told him that would mean I would have to go to the other Chevron for my next fill up. He said he would see what he could do to get a car wash installed. Excuse me, but is there a big neon sign over my head that says GULLIBLE??

Anyway, it is snowing. FINALLY!!! I have been waiting for this all season! Hopefully it is also snowing on the Hill (and you know what that means....yep, delayed update tomorrow, as I should be skiing!! Pray for snow , pray for snow, pray for snow!!!). As I was driving to work In the slush, etc...I was glad I didn't wash the car yesterday. I mean, what a waste!! Don't even make me go into the rant about all the pathetic CA drivers out there with their 4WD vehicles saying "I can go, I can go!" and then discovering that they can't STOP!!! Yep, smart-ass snow virgins... they know it all!! The kids got out of school early today. As I look out the window I can see them riding my vegetable drawer down the berm, like a toboggan. They are having so much fun!! Makes me wish I was young again. Well, at least I could contribute to their good time :)

Jan. 19

Oddly enough, when I came home today I discovered two interesting things on my front landing. The pieces of my vegetable drawer (which, I suppose, did not survive too many trips down the berm) were piled in a heap at the bottom of my stairs. Probably the work of those demonic landscapers. As usual, I was carrying in an armload of groceries and the mail (2 Victoria's Secret catalogues and the latest Venus swimwear catalogue, along with various other stuff I won't read. If it isn't handwritten, I can't be bothered. I might add, Venus swimwear gives a whole new meaning to knotting your dental floss to look like a bikini) so I just kicked the heap aside (again).

As I ascended the stairs I became aware of another thing; it appears my next door neighbor has spray painted my arborvitae green!! What's up with that??? I am sure that they would have washed off in the rain and even become green again in the spring (they are sort of 'Hibernation Brown' at this point). I didn't know whether to laugh or get pissed, so I opted to simply ignore it. I knew I had email waiting for me :)

Jan. 20

Well, it has been almost all day, and there is a good reason for this late update. I got bamboozled into cleaning!! Hey, don't get excited, as the place look worse than when I started!! It all began this morning when I went downstairs and ran into my next door neighbor. He asked me if I thought it might be time to take down the wreath. Deciding that I was now annoyed with him for spray painting my arborvitae, I got a malicious idea. I said "I'm kinda liking the green thing goin' on here, you know?? I mean, the rain has washed all the flocking off my arborvitae and they came back green, just like I said they would!". He looked at me in disbelief, but he was not about to cop to vandalizing my plants. He made this lame "Gotta go" excuse and took off. Tee-hee :)

So on the way back upstairs I pulled the wreath down, as well as the garland, etc...wrapped around the railings. I threw them on the decorations heap and attempted to log on. That's when Steph got into the picture and asked if she could use her computer. "What's stopping you?" I asked. Apparently, the pile of decorations, Victoria's Secret catalogues, etc... are a major obstruction. Knowing that this was going to lead to the 'all day long, sulky face' I agreed to attend to the stupid pile. It took me about 35 minutes to get completely frustrated with the project, and after moving all the glass ornaments out of the way I began kicking a path through the stuff to the computer. There were some mushrooms growing under the tree skirt I had laid over this mess about a month ago (has it been that long??) when the carpet was still wet from the rain. Thank heavens the couches were rearranged (for the tree) and hid this from Kevin (the maint. guy) the other day. I have no idea how to get the stain and the mushrooms out of the carpet, but I am not going to worry about that now anyway...you guessed it!! I'm on already :)

Jan. 21

The sun came out briefly today. I thought this might be a good time to get the Christmas stuff back into the storage closet. Oy Vey!! I had most of it just shoved into plastic bags from yesterday, and I thought it would be a few quick trips. WRONG!!! When I drew the blinds back (I have those vertical blinds across my sliding glass doors, which, I might add, have been drawn shut for over a month now) I became aware of the glorious mess which is my terrace. Mushy cardboard remnants everywhere, interspersed with tree parts from the storm. YICK!! It was a slippery mess, and I made only one death defying trip out to the storage closet. That was all I could take, as I had something more mentally taxing ahead of me...I knew I would have to conserve my patience for this afternoon.

Yep, it was 'field trip' day. Stephanie's 3rd grade went to the movies to see Jumanji. Since Gig Neglecting is something that can only happen for the unimportant things, I went also. WAAAAAAAA!!!! You haven't lived (or seen the Gates of Hell) until you have been in close quarters with 70 8yr olds!! I 'saw' the movie, but far be it from me to tell you who said what. All I can say is, if you are a parent PAY GOOD MONEY to have someone else accompany your child on a class trip!!!! My shaking has quelled a bit since I have been on-line....

Jan. 22

Well, Steph is making dinner tonight, sandwiches! This is her first time, but there is a reason for this... Earlier I was making dinner. Steph's favorite, Pasta Piselli (no, you may NOT have the recipe, my father swore me to secrecy before giving the recipe to me 4 years ago). Normally this is a very quick and easy recipe (my favorite kind) and requires little effort. That was the catch.

While I was allowing things to simmer, I logged on. Earlier I decided to lose a bunch of poser bookmarks (I have simply become fed up with a few of the e-journals I have been following. I have considerably more respect for self-proclaimed losers than I do for persons who have Self-Actualized to Maslow's 6th* level of "I am God's Gift {but still can't get a date}". Anyway, I decided to follow up on some research and got caught up in it. I became so absorbed by the subject that I forgot about dinner, until the smoke alarm went off. By that time it was too late, the contents of the pan were burned to it. Completely. No salvaging the pan either. I have no patience for such things, so I just decided to can the whole idea. Steph is just bringing me my sandwich now...back to research!!

* NOTE: Maslow's theory only had 5 levels; but that only applies to 'regular people'.

Jan. 23

By the grace of God someone emailed me, reminding me to transfer my foundations from the washer to the dryer (Thanks, Clete!). At this point I have one level of dressing handled, now for the actual clothes!! Hey! Don't get any ideas now that there is room in the washer (I'm already on-line, thank you!!!).As long as we are on the subject of email, has anyone got any suggestions for the mushrooms/stain on my carpet??

Well, now that I am down to two pots and one pan (after last night's dinner fiasco) it may be time to consider buying more. NAAAAH! I can just continue buying those frozen microwaveable dinners and more plastic forks (Hey! It beats having to find a paper plate!). Besides, nowadays there are more varieties than there were when I was a kid!! Most importantly, I don't time out on my connection this way; just rip the top off and nuke it! It's not like I was ever fond of cooking anyway...

Jan. 24

THIS IS WAR!!! There is only so much a girl can take.... Last night I was up a bit late having some FTP/Fetch problems (there was no way I was going to bed with this issue unresolved) but it was a nice snooze. That was, until I was rudely awakened at Early O'clock by - YEP - the landscapers!! Once again the MO was the same; set lawnmower under my window half hour before dawn, start up and leave running while they go off to have coffee. This was too much!! I threw on some sweats (it is cold outside!) and ran downstairs to the offending machine. I removed the keys and threw them down the storm drain. Take that!!

Well, that was not the last of it. I put my pj's back on and attempted to catch a few more zzz's before the sun came up. 45 minutes later my doorbell rings. It's one of the landscapers (big surprise, eh?). He has just come back to discover his keys are missing. 45 MINUTES!! Even if I was the fourth door he knocked on (there are only 4 possible apartments to annoy with this stupidity), what takes so long for a lawnmower to warm up?? He said he KNEW I took the keys and he wanted them back. I said "Excuse me?" I played dumb, after all, I WAS in my pajamas and looked like I had just been awakened out of a peaceful slumber. He got really belligerent at that point and raised his voice in a threatening manner. I told him I didn't have his keys. He screamed "I know you did it because you were the one who turned off the lawnmower last week!" Coolly, I responded "You mean it takes an MIT degree to figure out how to turn off a lawnmower? Then how do you guys turn them on??" Half crazed, he made an attempt to lunge into my apartment, but I quickly kicked a few phone books in his path (not all of them were outside, just the last 16 or so...a good number of them were piled by the front door still) and he tripped. I grabbed my briefcase (a Halliburton Zero filled with loan files...talk about heavy!) and slammed him on the head screaming "Get OUT, GET OUT!!!" and before I could raise it to hit him again he had scrambled out the door and down the stairs.

The lawnmower was quiet until I left for work. I guess they finally got a spare set of keys. There was a different landscaper operating it, and he gave me a wide berth as I made my way to the car, briefcase in hand :)

Jan. 25

I'm in the doghouse!!! I spent most of the night off-line looking for a misplaced file (don't make me go into this...I'm still tweaked) and I was up 'til the wee hours. As you can imagine, I was moving sort of slow this morning. Yep! It was a coffee sort of day. Since my coffee maker is currently holding back a pile of papers from their destiny (AKA kitchen sink), I went downstairs to the clubhouse to get a cup o' Joe. I was headed off at the pass by Kevin, the maint. guy. He had some news for me!! He warned me that the apartment Manager wanted to have a 'talk' with me.

Uh-Oh is right!! The gist of the conversation (well, more like inquisition) was that I caused the landscapers to cancel their contract with the apartments. EXCUSE ME?? "How so?" I asked. The story the apartment Manager had was way different than the one I was aware of. There was no mention of the 'keys' or the lunge into my door. It was more surreal that even I could conjure up!! The 'offended' landscaper claims that I hit him OUTSIDE with my briefcase for no apparent reason. "WHAT?!!" I was beside myself! I mean, really...would I log off just to bother a landscaper?? HARDLY!! This overt act was performed in self defense IN MY APARTMENT and I have the phone books strewn all over my front landing to prove it!! Kevin confirmed for the apartment Manager that, in fact, there were numerous phone books cascading down the stairs from my front door and he seemed to think that the landscaper's story did seem a bit out of the ordinary.

Whew! Thanks, Kevin!! The apartment Manager seemed a bit flustered. Barely escaping a 72hr notice, I asked if there was anything more else I could contribute. No, I had 'done enough' for one day, thank you. Well, I hadn't had my coffee yet, but I sure was awake!! I excused myself to go get my coffee. On my way out I asked if we were going to have the same landscaping service and was told that was doubtful. With my very best disappointed look, I said "Oh well, maybe the next landscaping service will have more reasonable hours of operation." I headed back home, navigated my way through the land mines of phone books, and here I am :)

Jan. 26 (Oh My...It's Michelle's Birthday and I forgot to call... Sorry Michelle!!)

I swear every time I log off I get into some hot water!! Today, as I was driving back from work I was heading for the drycleaners. The only clean clothes I have are there. Anyway, as I pull into the parking lot I notice a County Sheriff's car behind me with his lights on. I figure I'm turning out of his way, so no big deal, right? He pulls in right behind me. Thinking nothing of this, I start searching around for my drycleaning ticket. He taps on my window (scaring the daylights out of me!!) and I jumped damn near out of my skin. He asks for my license and proof of insurance, which I provide. I'm wondering just what I did THIS time. He comes back and curiosity gets the best of me; I asked what the problem was. He said "Do you realize I have been following you for about a mile now?" I replied "No, what did I do?" He said I was driving a moving violation. I said "Excuse me?" He insisted that my rear view was obstructed and that is a vehicular violation. "How so?" I ask, and he instructs me to get out of the car and come to the rear of the vehicle. Aggravated, I do this and he says "See? No, you can't". He was referring to all the BK/KFC/Arby's bags, etc... in the back seat.

I said "You've got to be kidding me!" and he said "No lady, I'm not. I followed you for 1/2 mile with my lights on and you didn't even see me" I told him that was because I was too busy watching the rush hour traffic IN FRONT of me and he whipped out the ticket book. "Oh no you don't!" I screamed and ripped open the rear driver door and started yanking armloads of stuff from the back seat and stuffing it into the trash bin right outside the drycleaners. Hurriedly I went back for a second load, stuffed it into the bin and realized my duct tape was in that pile. "Oh my God, my DUCT TAPE!!!" I shrieked and started digging through the garbage frantically. "Help me, HELP ME!!!" I yelled at him as he was frozen there in disbelief. he put the ticket book in his holder and came over to the bin and said "Are you OK?". Just then I pulled out the duct tape and, with a sigh of relief, "Yes, I'll be fine now that I have my duct tape". He asked why and I said "Because duct tape is the savior of the universe and will save mankind when all else fails". He looked at me quizzically and said "Ma'am, I think you had better go home and rest now", turned and walked away shaking his head. I got back in the car and drove home (sans ticket). Damn! I forgot to get my drycleaning!!

Jan. 27

At early o'clock, the Perl God calls me and asks me if I have looked outside. ?? I am not even awake yet!! Well, an hour later I am up (with the sun) and yes, it is snowing in the rainforest. Stephanie wanted to go out and play in the snow. How could I say no? After all, kids will be kids. I told her to dress warmly and started to make my weekend phone calls. After about an hour of chatting with the family, I decided to log on (You didn't think I was going to CLEAN something, did you?). I pulled up the blinds in the dining room and looked outside at the kids. They seemed to be having a good time sliding down the berm. I started my log on process and went into the kitchen to start up some coffee. There were thawing frozen vegetables in puddles all over the counter!! I opened the fridge and noticed my freezer drawer was missing!! I went back to the window to get a closer look....sure enough!! Steph had removed the freezer drawer and was taking turns with another neighbor kid riding it down the berm!!

As if this wasn't enough, I also noticed that everyone else's stairs were shoveled clean except mine. Hmmnnn...what's up with that?? No matter, as I have no intention of leaving the house anyway. Well, my connection kept having echo failures and I was getting a bit tweaked about that. I decided to log off and go down to the gym. I picked my way down the stairs and ran into Kevin. Curious, I asked him why my stairs hadn't been shoveled. He said "Because snow is lighter than phone books". I guess he is a tad bothered by my not removing them the other day when he asked me to...oh well. I checked the mailbox on my way to the gym and there was my very first America On Line disk!!! I'm somebody!!! Now if these things only arrive with the same frequency as Victoria's Secret catalogues...

Jan. 28 SuperBowl Sunday

I have been avoiding the inevitable; dishes. I don't have a whole lot of them, but I need to find them and wash them. I know they are around here somewhere. The problem is that I'm too cold to do anything right now. Since all my pots, pans, dishes, etc... are MIA or piled in the sink, I came up with an easy idea for a meal. I took all the vegetables that Steph had allowed to defrost yesterday and put them in a casserole dish with a can of cream of mushroom soup. I put this in the oven to bake and got back on-line. That was last night.

This morning I was awakened by the smoke alarm going off. I forgot about the vegetables, since Steph went over to her friend's to eat dinner. I just had a bagel, as is normal for me. The apartment was full of smoke and I had to open all the windows and doors. The cold, snowy winds are freezing, and so now is my apartment. The casserole dish and it's contents are black and rock hard. Another one bites the dust.

Steph is bundled in front of the TV watching SuperBowl previews (this will be on all day) and eating a bagel. I have no intention of going out to get more food with these driving conditions. We can forage. I just looked over the top of the PowerBook and asked her what she was watching now, and she replied "Neon Deion is checking his reflexes." ??? And this is a Useless PAGE??? Sheesh!

Jan. 29

Just when ya think it's safe... I have come to the conclusion that I don't even need to log off to get in trouble. This realization was aided by an unscheduled visit from my Evil Twin, Amber. See, I am sitting at the PowerBook, minding my own business, when there is a knock (well, OK, a BANG!) at my front door. Steph opens it and in comes Amber. Not two feet in she stops abruptly. "Holy SH*T! What happened here??" she exclaims. I look up from the PowerBook...."Hmmnn?". She said "I'm gonna try this again" and steps back outside, closes the door behind her, knocks, opens the door, walks back in, closes the door behind her and stands there for a minute, quiet.

"Am I in the Twilight Zone?" she asks. "What do you mean?" I reply while downloading a news file. Indignant, she asks "Who are you and what have you done with my Evil Twin??" I give her 'the look' and put the PowerBook to sleep. "What brings you by?" I inquire. She claims she has been trying to call me for weeks and can't get through. She is still standing. I told her to get comfortable. She gave me the look and said "Are you kidding? I feel like I am in my house with your furniture!! What happened to this place?". I gave a brief look around. "What do you mean?" Then she said "Oh no, I know what you are trying to do...you and Mom are trying to get me to clean, eh?? Well, it's NOT going to work!!" I told her she was nuts, paranoid and having delusions. She picked a plate of (well, your guess is as good as mine at this point) and said "This is a delusion? I don't think so!. What WAS that?" Ignoring that question (since I really couldn't answer it) I asked her what she has been up to lately. She said she was about to ask me the same question and added "But I can see it doesn't involve housework!" I let that jab pass and said, "Well, I've been sort of busy on the computer." "Oh?" she inquires, "Do you get nudie pictures on that thing?? Lemme see, lemme see!!" Sheesh!! See why she is my Evil Twin??

Jan. 30 (OR voters, get your ballots in by TONIGHT!!!)

I awoke with a very stuffy head. Pounding headache, achy, icky, sick. I hate this. I got Steph off to school, but it wasn't easy. The first obstacle was getting the front door open, as there was a 1" seal of ice around the door which we had to break to open it. It was a dry, clear night, so I have no idea where this ice came from. After getting Steph out the door and closing it (it is BITTER cold outside!!), I went over to the window in the dining room. Same thing, as with all the windows. Apparently the condensation from the heat inside and the cold outside formed on the metal frames of everything and when I turned the heat back down last night they all froze. This was especially true of the sliding glass door, which had so much condensation on it that the ice at the bottom spread onto the carpet. When I pulled on the door to open it, instead of breaking the ice, I ripped the carpet. Uh-oh...

Since I am probably contagious, I stayed home to telecommute. That lasted about two hours (between the sneezing, nose blowing and sore throat I only had about two hours in me). The only painless thing I could think of was...well, you guessed it....LOG ON!! I have been surfing all day, taking only a break to answer some pages (from Steph's phone) and to get a backup supply of tissues. One of the articles I read today in 'News of the Weird' was about two separate incidents of people having their homes broken into and, in one, nothing was stolen but someone emptied the ashtrays and took out the garbage, the other furniture was rearranged. If they catch this guy, I hope they send him to my house...I am sitting in knee-deep tissues right now...among other things :)

Jan. 31

The race is on! Which cold will be more persistent, the one in my head or the one outside??? When I woke up this morning the door was iced shut again. I inspected the sliding glass door and there is a 4"tall x 1" deep seal of ice with a 1/2" of ice in the track, so there is no way to open it. Not that I care to either, as the ice is effectively sealing out the wind. The only bad part is that yesterday the ice melted into the carpet while the sun was on the door, so now the carpet is frozen as well...just when I thought I had it dried out from the last incident. Well, it is dry, but sharp as glass, even through socks!

I had to go outside today and meet a client. For a brief while I was feeling better, so I figured I should just do it (hey, I LIVE in NikeTown!!). Steph had arrived home just minutes before me, and I am sure the cold adversely affected her thought processes. She wanted to get inside and did not have a key. In some brilliant flash of logic she decided a stick would work just as well in the lock. ??? Most times, she is my kid, but on rare occasions, she is her father's kid. This was one of those times. I was not pleased, standing out in 17f/45mph gusts trying to get MY key out of the lock which was now jammed hearing "Oh by the way...." I'm sure it was difficult to discern my howling from the wind's three blocks away, but I am damned sure I was heard. Of course, this required getting Kevin to come by to get us into the house (and, in the process, listening to the Sermon of the Frozen Phone Books on the Stairs.

As you can imagine, all that cold did nothing to help my head cold. I sure am glad my tissues are all 'handy', as the box is now empty. I think tonight might be a 'Domino's Night'.

OK, I realize this is taking quite a while to download, so, as an act of compassion I have created a whole new place for you to access Today's Dirt... : )

©1996 Loredana Olson